


a game that I'm destined to lose

by we_are_the_same



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-14
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 16:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_are_the_same/pseuds/we_are_the_same
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>college!AU. Liam doesn't like Zayn, because Zayn keeps falling asleep in class yet manages to get straight A's all the time while Liam barely manages to scrape by, and if you ask Liam Zayn is just a complete dick who thinks there's nothing wrong with becoming Liam's colleague at the on-campus coffee place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And then this particular plot bunny hit me at 2A.M. 
> 
> Completed on December 16th, 2012

Liam's a nice guy. For the most part. He does his homework and he brushes his teeth before bed and again in the morning, he doesn't trip students in the hallway or tape 'kick me' signs to their back – and anyone who says behaviour like that belongs in middle school has clearly not attended Liam's uni. He doesn't always help old ladies cross the street or carries their bag into their apartments but that's more because the last time he tried the elderly woman screamed bloody murder and apparently handbags can leave nasty bruises and Liam's fairly sure he didn't stop blushing for a week after she cussed him out for trying to steal her purse. He's maybe not a model citizen but he's a decent guy. 

Except, apparently, when one Zayn Malik is around.

Zayn brings out the worst in Liam, makes him petty and irritable and downright mean and the worst part is that Zayn doesn't even seem to notice.

Liam would say that it's because Zayn's almost always asleep in class, but he's pretty sure that it might also have something to do with the fact that he's never _said_ anything out loud. It's completely immature but then Liam _is_ the one who's watched Toy Story a million times and who collects action figures, and maybe it's not exactly heroic to verbally abuse Zayn in his head rather than straight up tell him he's a dick, but Liam never claimed to be a superhero. At least, not since he broke his arm when he was five years old, after jumping off the roof, utterly convinced that he could fly.

Zayn doesn't seem to even know that Liam exists and maybe that's why he's so annoying to Liam, because honestly, the guy's never really done anything all that bad. So he's asleep in class a lot, so what, it's his life, why should Liam care if he dozes off in the back of the room and still manages to get straight A's when Liam's working hard to barely scrape together a passing grade? Why should Liam care that he's that gorgeous sort of quiet that has everyone paying attention to him, that makes Zayn look surprised when people approach him like he doesn't know how stupidly attractive he is? Liam doesn't care about Zayn's good looks or his grades _or_ the fact that one time Liam thought Zayn was smiling at him and he nearly smiled back before he realized that Zayn was waving to a curly-haired boy behind him.

He's still a dick. And Liam still hates him even if they've barely spoken since they started uni together, and maybe not all of that is Zayn's fault but it's easy to pin the blame on him and think mean, secret thoughts when he sees him slumped in his chair or moving through the hallway with that self-assuredness that Liam loves-hates-loves. And maybe that's not exactly what fits his definition of a 'nice guy' but it's not like he's doing any harm to Zayn, because Zayn doesn't know him and he doesn't pay attention to him and Liam's fairly sure that he's not able to read minds, so.

Sometimes he wishes that Zayn would know because then he wouldn't be the only one feeling this way and it'd be easier to hate him if Zayn actually gave him a reason to.

 

Liam's pretty sure that _walking into my place of employment_ doesn't constitute as a reason to hate Zayn, but he's willing to take it, even if it is the campus coffee bar and the sign on the door says _we're open for business_ and not 'unless you are Zayn Malik'. He feels kind of petty for his less than valid reasons to dislike him when the other glances at him, but he quickly scowls when Zayn doesn't bother to even offer him a smile despite the stupid sparkle-adorned hat and apron he's wearing.

It may not be very mature but Liam pretends he hasn't seen him and wipes the counter, refills other customer's cups and chats to whoever will look at him, knowing that Zayn will have to speak to him to get his order, even if Liam is deliberately making it impossible for him to do so. He's so caught up in getting rid of a non-existent stain that he doesn't hear the chime of the doorbell, but when he next looks up Zayn is gone and Liam determinedly does _not_ feel bad.

If he really wanted coffee he could've just _asked_ , it's not like he can ignore him _forever_.

Not when he's on the clock.

The encounter has, if possible, worsened his mood, and Liam is scowling at the cash register when he punches at the buttons, hands out change and wishes a pretty brunette a pleasant day with a cheery smile that is so fake she has trouble keeping from laughing. The scowl seems permanently etched onto his face, and he's a bit too slow in removing it when his boss calls for him, his upper body twisted towards the man before he's managed to rearrange his features. He does manage to hold back the snippy 'What?' though, and instead puts on his best customer-approved voice as he asks him “Yes?”

The man looks amused more than anything, and Liam finds himself flushing a little when he gestures to his posture and asks _“Bad day huh?”_ but before Liam can nod and apologize his eyes find Zayn, and immediately he straightens up and shrugs a shoulder. “I'm fine” He says, tacks on a belated “sir” that doesn't feel genuine, his eyes nothing short of hostile as they stare down the shorter male by his boss's side, hoping that the glare will make him leave because Liam does _not_ need to be chewed out by his employer in front of Zayn Malik, of all people.

He doubts either of the two are oblivious to his odd behaviour, but his boss merely nods and moves Zayn forward with a hand at the other's back, a hand that shifts to his shoulder next and rests there so casually that Liam would think they're old friends if it weren't for the slightly surprised and uncomfortable look on the dark-haired boy's face. _“I'm glad you're alright, Payne. You won't mind showing young Mr Malik here the ropes then, will you?”_

This time Liam _does_ say “What?” but it sounds more like a screech and Liam regards Zayn coldly, waiting for him to laugh. Hazel eyes meet his but there's no amusement in Zayn's gaze, he looks mostly stoic though Liam senses a certain shrewdness in his look that quickly has him glancing back up at his boss. “I mean-” He starts, scrapes his throat and manages a smile because this is his _job_ and he can't be sure that he's not out on his ass if he acts anything less than pleasant towards Zayn because for all he knows the guy is his boss's second cousin once removed by marriage or whatever. “Of course. No problem.”

“ _Good”_ The man squeezes Zayn's shoulder, gives him a light shove in his direction, then pats Liam's shoulder with such force that his knees ache for a moment, and Liam flushes because he knows that his boss is less than happy with his attitude.

"No problem” He repeats, eyes back on Zayn before his – their – boss has fully left. Zayn regards him calmly the way he did before, though he arches an eyebrow when Liam scoffs in reply to his softly offered _“I'm Zayn.”_

“I know who you are.”


	2. Chapter 2

“And he just said _okay_ in that really drawn-out way that people do when they're about to back away from the psycho on the street that claims Martians are going to attack unless you give them your carrots or something as ridiculous as that” Liam puts his empty pint back onto the table, wiping his mouth and relinquishing a groan to the too loud bar, his voice sounding far too sulky for his own liking, something he's sure Louis has picked up on. Maybe not Niall, because Niall is flirting with the bartender like she hasn't turned him down every single weekend since their first week of Uni, even after Niall let slip that he's a fireman. At least Niall usually takes her rejection in stride, just picks up another pint and contemplates his next course of action, which Liam admires even if he's fairly sure that walking around in his uniform wouldn't impress her and would just confuse and possibly scare the people on the dance floor. He'd usually help him figure out the next crazy way to win her over, or listen to Louis's plans which are infinitely more dramatic and far-fetched than his own, but tonight he's not in the mood.

Unfortunately, neither of his friends seem to be in the mood to listen to him complain, because Lou just nods and grins and asks if he's hot and Liam splutters into his new pint of beer that that _really_ doesn't matter.

He proceeds to tune him out when Louis explains to him why it _does_ matter and that if Zayn's hot he's more than happy to take him off Liam's hands if Liam is against a little angry sex and Liam scowls at him from the rim of his glass and says “He's friends with Harry” and snickers when Louis promptly goes a little pink.

Niall claims that he's hungry and the subject is changed to foods that match well with beer and football (and the answer, as always, is _everything_ ) and Liam goes home drunk but happy with his friends even if they're assholes who trip him on the street and laugh so loudly that the lights come on in several houses. At home, he promptly falls asleep, and for a few blissful hours he forgets all about Zayn Malik.

 

Liam is kind of hungover the next morning, but Zayn looks even more exhausted than he does, and not for the first time Liam envies him his ability to fall asleep anywhere. He looks kind of peaceful, tucked away at the back of the class with his dark hair resting against the wall, long eyelashes framing his face, and Liam feels almost sorry for him when they're called to attention and he jerks so uncontrollably that everyone in the classroom ends up laughing.

He doesn't feel particularly sorry anymore when Zayn manages to answer a question that Liam's been attempting to stutter his way through for what feels like an eternity, when his ears are red and his hands are sweaty and maybe it's not fair but he imagines Zayn is smiling at the way he's made a fool of himself.

It's not exactly Zayn's fault that he's smart enough to know the answer despite barely being able to keep his eyes open, and Liam's fairly sure that the other boy wouldn't have made fun of him for not knowing even if he does feel like a right moron after Zayn provides an answer that makes so much sense.

Even with Liam being less than pleasant after finding out they've become co-workers Zayn didn't say more than the slightly surprised sounding ' _okay'_ that Liam made such a big fuss over last night, so really, Liam has no reason to envision Zayn answering their teacher with a self-satisfied little smirk on his face and yet that's what he does. He ends up breaking his pencil and rather than ask one of his classmates for another one he grumbles under his breath and blames that too on Zayn.

 

Liam isn't scheduled to work today but he goes to the coffee shop anyway, sits in the corner and orders a ridiculously difficult drink that he's pretty sure he glossed over explaining last night, but although Zayn's smile is strained he arrives at his table not five minutes later with the exact coffee Liam ordered. The beverage is good too, but he doesn't tell him that, just leaves him money on the counter and tells him “You used too much syrup” and “Guess you're not good at everything after all” and Zayn still looks more tired than agitated though his dark eyes betray more than their normal calm. Even then he still manages to look dignified with that stupid sparkly hat and his voice is nothing but pleasant when he wishes him _a nice day_. Liam's not even sure that he would shoot him the finger if he could, and it's one more thing that he doesn't like about Zayn, because somehow he always ends up feeling inferior to him. 

Maybe it'd help if Liam wasn't such a child whenever he's around Zayn, but Liam likes to believe that he's got good intuition and that his dislike is funded by more than jealousy. Zayn has done _something_ to deserve being treated like this, Liam just isn't sure what. But there's bound to be something, and once Liam will find out what it is he can shut up that tiny part inside of him that burns with guilt when he glances inside the shop as he passes the window and sees Zayn fold in on himself with a sad look on his face.

 

He wonders, those first few days, if Zayn will say anything to their boss. Or if he'll give in and quit, find another job with more pleasant co-workers, because with the two of them sharing all their classes they unfortunately end up sharing a lot of shifts at the shop. He stays quiet though, and Liam has to hand it to him, he's dedicated. Checking the schedule that's pinned to the board in the staff room Liam finds Zayn's name printed alongside the dates nearly every day, and when things are calm Zayn studies the manuals and recipes until he knows how to work all the equipment and can recite every ingredient for the holiday-themed coffees that are on sale during the winter months. He puts Liam to shame but Liam has to grudgingly admit that Zayn doesn't seem to be doing it to show off. He isn't trying to prove himself better than Liam, and that in itself is why he probably _is_.

Zayn doesn't try and talk to him when they're working together, even when they're side by side, Liam handling the cash register while Zayn mixes drinks, it's nothing more than business. This order is for that girl and table two needs cleaning and if Zayn feels like Liam is passing all the clean-up off to him he doesn't say anything.

 

It's Niall who finally does, after he's begged another slice of cake off of Liam at the end of Zayn's first week working at the shop. Liam knows he hasn't got enough money on him to pay for it, but slips him one all the same, watching Niall happily digging into the chocolate when his eyes move to a spot just behind Liam. Liam tenses unconsciously, wonders if Zayn is staring, pretends to wipe the counter so he doesn't have to acknowledge him. _“Hullo”_ Niall greets, and Liam hears Zayn's soft melodic voice, registers the surprise in his tone as he calls back a tentative _“Hi”._

Niall blinks at Liam with deceptively innocent blue eyes, scratches at dirty blond hair but stays silent until footsteps prove that Zayn's moved out of earshot. _“Christ, Payne”_ He says then, and he sounds legitimately shocked and perhaps a little disappointed. _“What'd you do to that kid?”_ Liam bristles at his tone, wants to say something childish like he can take that cake away y'know, but Niall reaches out and places a hand on his arm, squeezes once. _“He looks miserable.”_

That tiny part of his conscience flares up again, but Liam shoves it down and scowls. “I didn't do anything” It feels like a lie and that's probably why Niall sighs, sits back and levels him with a look that is reminiscent of his mother, and where Liam usually feels like everyone always sees Niall as the youngest, the baby of their group, it feels like he's got centuries on him right now. He stays quiet until Liam squirms under his gaze and shrugs a shoulder, rubs his hand against the back of his neck with an embarrassed grimace. “I just don't want him working here, that's all. Is that so bad? Do I really have to like _everyone_?”

“ _No..”_ Niall concedes, though he still looks unhappy, and Liam hates that he can hear disappointment in his tone. He's about to bribe his friend with another slice of cake when Niall shakes his head and sighs. _“It's just not like you, Li.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because I'm a Buffy nerd, have some silly references.

It _isn't_ like Liam, he has to agree with that. But he doesn't know how to explain, doesn't have the words to convince Niall that he has his reasons for disliking Zayn, and partially it's because he's worried that his friend will blink at him and say _that's all? That's your big reason for making him miserable?_ And it's not like Liam set out to make Zayn miserable, it just happens that every time he sees those stupidly long lashes and that startlingly handsome smile, he feels jealous and angry and he wants to punch whoever Zayn is smiling at like that because it's never him.

(And Liam knows better than to think that Zayn doesn't smile at him like that because he's acting like Zayn is the biggest douche bag on the planet –- and Zayn is still quiet and respectful and says _excuse me_ when he has to move past Liam to get to the counter even when Liam doesn't return the favor and just pushes him aside when he's in the way –- because the truth is that Zayn never smiled at him like that, even when Liam was just a wide-eyed freshman who had to rehearse his lines for hours before he even dared to speak to him)

So instead he just shrugs and Niall drops the subject in favor of more food and Liam wishes that he didn't even if he's glad that he does. When Niall leaves Liam chances a look at Zayn, wonders if he's as miserable as his friend seems to think he looks, but Liam doesn't see it. Zayn is charming as ever, asking _what can I get you, love_ in a voice that makes girls swoon and women titter and rearrange their hair. It pisses Liam off and when he pushes past him to get to the kitchen he tells Zayn “This is a coffee place and not a brothel, you know. Maybe you should focus on doing the job that you're paid for, or are you that desperate for some extra cash?”

His voice is soft enough that the giggling girls at the cash register don't notice, but Liam knows Zayn's heard, he can see him stiffen, wonders suddenly if Zayn will turn around and throw a punch and Liam's not sure his boss would take his side over Zayn's if he does. He's almost waiting for him to snap, to turn around and acquaint his fist with Liam's face, but after a clipped exhale Zayn looks up from the register and smiles at the girls, telling them _“that'll be five fifty please.”_

He doesn't say anything to Liam all night, just gives him a stoic look when their boss comes in later that evening and tells them that he's pleased things are going so well, that Zayn's really proven an asset and that he's relieved that things are working out -- that Liam's apparent odd behaviour that first day was just a fluke. Liam smiles and nods and wonders how no one's said anything, wonders why Zayn lets him get away with this. He feels like an asshole, like he should speak up, maybe apologize, but it's only too easy to convince himself not to. If Zayn's really bothered by him he'd say something, right?

Maybe Zayn wouldn't, maybe he's adamant about being the bigger person here, the mature-grown-up-adult human being that Liam can't seem to locate within himself whenever they're face to face. And it's stupid and childish, Liam knows it, but if Zayn is so desperate to prove that he's better than him, Liam will let him. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, a vicious cycle, and Niall was right because this isn't like him, except maybe (apparently) it is.

 

 

The next day is a Saturday, and Liam's not on the clock. He's agreed to meet Lou for lunch though, and since his apartment is a disaster and they're headed into town anyway they've arranged to meet at the coffee place. Unlike most mornings, when his alarm clock and his inbuilt desire to be a good student combine and force him into a routine, today proves to be a disaster from the moment he opens his eyes. It goes from tripping over his shoes to spilling coffee over his clothes, and his wallet has decided to hide under the couch while the shoes he'd kicked aside with a curse earlier on have ended up on opposite sides of the apartment. When he finally manages to reach for the one that's slid under his dresser Liam is disheveled and fifteen minutes late.

By the time he rushes into the coffee store, panting and frantic, he's sure Lou will be glaring at him over the rim of a cup of tea. Louis does _not_ like to be kept waiting, even if he's usually the one 'fashionably late', but he doesn't get stared down by his friend, though a quick look at the bar shows him that he's there. And shows him _why_ he's not tapping his watch and saying something as ridiculously cliché as _time is money, Payne_ in what he insists is a tone worthy of Humphrey Bogart.

Liam swallows back a _I thought you were kidding when you said you'd gladly take Zayn off my hands for a fuck_ and instead coughs faux-discreetly, arching an eyebrow when Louis barely even glances in his direction.

“Tommo” He says, and Louis looks up then, wiggles his fingers before resting his hand on Zayn's arm. Zayn, who looked relaxed and happy not a minute ago, content to lean over the counter as they talked. Who seems to have been replaced by a cardboard cut-out the moment he saw Liam, though he offers a small smile to Louis before drawing away, hand mechanically moving over the counter's surface with a wet cloth.

“ _I'll see **you** later” _ Louis says, and Zayn nods, chances a look at Louis, even another smile when Louis rolls his eyes at him. _“Oh, you can do better than that. Give me a proper goodbye, come on now. Once more, with feeling!”_ Liam watches Zayn's lips curl up at that, watches the crinkles around his eyes as he quips back something that makes Liam feel horribly out of the loop, because what's so incredibly funny about him saying _let me rest in peace_ that Louis is in stitches?

“ _Zayn is so funny”_ Louis says as they're on the streets, and Liam shrugs, mutters something under his breath. _“I mean it!”_ The older boy continues, and when Liam doesn't respond, he grabs at his sleeve, eyes narrowing when all Liam does in response is jerk away irritably. _“What's wrong with you?”_ He asks, and Liam makes the mistake of not looking at him, seeing the genuine concern that's swimming in those gentle blue eyes.

Instead he barely bothers to turn around, keeps walking with his hands stuffed in his pockets as he sniffs derisively. “You're only saying that because you're desperate to get in Harry's pants.”


	4. Chapter 4

In hindsight Liam's warning bells should've gone off when Louis's voice is quiet when he speaks up. There's fury in his words, no doubt, but it's restrained and all the more lethal for it. _“Excuse me?”_ He asks, and Liam comes to a full stop, whirls around and levels him with a look that withers under Louis's intense scrutiny. The usual mirth is gone from those blue eyes, and he regards him with a stony silence, gaze too perceptive for Liam's liking. 

“You heard me” He says, but his voice sounds less disdainful than it did before, because Liam isn't used to this side of Louis. He's used to the clown, to the one that always has a story to tell, a laugh to share, even a cuddle. Not Louis who arches an eyebrow and speaks in clipped sentences. _“I must've not heard you right, because my_ _ **best mate**_ _would not be saying what you just said.”_

“Yeah?” Liam isn't sure why he feels so defensive, why the way Louis looks at him makes him want to lash out, but the words tumble from his lips before he can stop himself, syllables crashing into the ground in slow motion, and Liam wants to stop himself, wants to smack his head against the wall for being such an idiot but while he can see the collision up ahead he is powerless to stop it. “Well – fuck you!”

“ _Cause that's all I do, right? Want to fuck everyone?”_ Louis narrows his eyes at him, haughty and proud now, mature even in the midst of this argument that Liam never wanted in the first place. He clenches his fists and wants to simultaneously hit him and apologize, but before he can do either Louis sighs and shakes his head. _“Whatever it is, Li, that's got you so messed up, **deal with it**.”_

“I'm fine.”

“ _Right”_ Louis snorts and combs fingers through his hair, fingers that Liam can see are shaking, and he wishes he could explain or say sorry or do _something_ but his tongue feels like rubber and Louis isn't giving him the time to respond anyway. _“Call me when you stop being an asshole, Liam Payne.”_

Liam's left alone then, wondering where everything went wrong.

 

 

It's too easy to blame everything on Zayn, and Liam finds himself home alone that evening, going over the past week in his mind, wondering when he became this person that purposely lashes out at his friends, aims to hurt with words he knows will hit the target. He wants to call Lou but he figures he'll need some time to calm down – though that's mostly just Liam's excuse for not having to admit that he's scared to contact him, because what if Louis doesn't pick up? Or what if he doesn't want to hear his apology and Liam's just fucked up their friendship?

So he calls his mum instead, and from the first _hello_ it's clear to her that something's wrong. She lets him babble on about class and homework and while he's halfway through a long-winded explanation about the new cappuccino maker at work she sighs and says _“Liam”_ in that fond, exasperated tone. Liam swallows down tears and the rest of his sentence, grabs a pillow and curls around it on his bed.

“Mum, what would you do if you're pretty sure you just fucked up your friendship with your best mate?”

She seems to hear the anguish and regret in his voice because she doesn't even tell him not to curse, just makes a gentle soothing _mum_ -noise that makes Liam ache for home. _“Is it your fault?”_

“...Yes.”

“ _Are you sorry?”_

“Yes.”

“ _Then tell him, love. Louis loves you, you know that. He won't stop loving you because you made a mistake or had a fight.”_

Liam presses his face against the pillow for a moment, breathes in stuffy air and exhales all his pent-up frustration and anger, then sniffs as he sits up. “I don't know where to start. I really messed up bad.” He's talking about more than just this recent spat with Louis, because if Liam's honest with himself he's not really liking the person he's become these past few weeks. Regardless of whether or not he can stand Zayn, the least he could do is be civil to him when the other boy is around – and this is something Liam's told himself before, but good intentions count for nothing when anger and jealousy make him seethe and the only mark he can leave on Zayn is with his words.

“ _Liam, you're a good kid. Whatever you did, I'm sure you can make up for it. Just be honest. Be yourself. Don't waste time trying to find the perfect words because you'll never sound more convincing than when you're being sincere. And you only have so long – it's like the song says. You only got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or to throw it all away.”_ She's quiet for a moment, then laughs softly. _“I wonder if someone actually went ahead and counted all those seconds.”_

Liam smiles despite himself. “Mum, you know how many seconds there are in a minute and in an hour. It's not that hard to do the math.”

She chuckles softly. _“That's my boy.”_

 

 

Worried that Lou won't pick up his phone despite him telling Liam to call him when he stopped being a jackass, Liam decides to head over to his apartment that next day. It's a Sunday so he gives him 'til eleven before he pounds at his door until a bleary-eyed Louis opens up, sleepy demeanor immediately gone as he spots him. _“Hello”_ He says, and it's careful in a way that Liam hates, so at odds with the sleep ruffled clothes and the bed hair. 

“I'm an ass” Liam says, cuts right to the point before Lou can tell him to leave.

“ _..And?”_

“I brought coffee?” He holds up the two steaming mugs he purchased when he'd made sure Zayn wasn't around, hoping that this will be a peace offering – and from the way Louis lights up he's at least part way forgiven.

_“Come in.”_

 

 

They sip their coffee in silence and Liam doesn't speak up until even the aftertaste has vanished from his tongue. “I'm sorry.”

Louis nods but stays quiet, fingers still wrapped around the Styrofoam cup, eyes surveying Liam from above the rim. _“Are you worried we'll like him more than we like you?”_

Liam winces, because apologizing is one thing, talking about Zayn is not exactly high on his to-do list. But he figures Lou deserves the truth, so he shakes his head. “Not that that'd be particularly hard right now, but no.” He wishes for more coffee, something to waste his time on so he doesn't have to admit what he does next, head bowed and voice sounding gruff like he's still trying to swallow the letters as the confession falls from his lips. “I'm worried he'll like you more than he likes me.”

Louis sighs, and nods understandingly, and Liam loves him when his tone is light despite the truth of his words. _“Not that **that** is particularly hard right now either.”_

Liam just nods and crumples up his cup, though he still holds onto it rather than tossing it in the bin. His fingertips trace the grooves and cracks he's just made like he's admiring art that's on display in a museum, utterly fascinated and hoping that Louis won't -

Louis does. _“You never told me you had feelings for boys.”_

“I never did.”

He doesn't have to say the _before_. Doesn't have to explain because it's all there in the quiet _“Oh”_ that Louis breathes out.

“Yeah.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day, you have Enza to thank/blame for this xD

It's nearly sunset when Liam exits Louis's apartment, smiles at him and rolls his eyes as he's pulled in for another hug. He feels lighter than he's done since the first time he saw Zayn curl in on himself after an insult Liam hurled his way, and though he's nowhere near making amends for his foolish behaviour he knows that at least Louis understands now. He also knows his best friend well enough to know that Liam won't be getting away with treating Zayn the way he has, and he's thankful for it, for having that friend that will kick his ass from here to Tuesday if he messes up.

Louis, for all his immature behaviour, has a good head on his shoulders, and while Liam initially feels stupid for trying to explain what has caused his ill treatment of the other male, his friend is understanding and supportive. He makes it clear that he disapproves of his actions without judging Liam for the things he's said and done, and Louis even manages to explain things to him in a way that makes Liam feel like he finally has a grip on why he's done some of the things he's done.

It's strange, how that works. How sometimes you need a friend to help you understand what's causing you to act a certain way.

And Liam vows, to himself and to Louis, that things will be different from now on. Yes, he might be jealous of the people Zayn _does_ pay attention to, might have resorted to drawing attention to himself in a negative way because at least that way he'd affect him, he'd mean something to Zayn even if it's nothing good, but no matter how hurt he has been or might end up being for not showing up on Zayn's radar, it's no longer an excuse to try and make him feel equally lousy.

He texts his mum before he crawls in bed after pizza and Xbox with Niall, tells her everything's alright and thanks for always being there, x Liam, and she sends him back a smiley face, though it's the follow-up text that reads _I'm proud of you_ that has him falling asleep with a smile on his face.

 

He's determined to turn over a new leaf.

Zayn's not in class.

 

Liam won't admit to being worried but he's relieved when Zayn shows up for work that night. It's not that he _actually_ thought that he'd scared Zayn –- or bullied, it's about time he accepts the truth –- into dropping out of school, but _still_. 

He doesn't say 'it's good to see you' but he sort of smiles at Zayn, who blinks and frowns ever so slightly.

Zayn seems even more on edge than he usually does around Liam, and Liam can't shake the feeling that it's because he's waiting for him to say something nasty. There's opportunities to, when Zayn drops the change he's about to hand to a squeaky Freshman student –- and Liam's fairly sure it's not because she's cute because they've barely seen her face that's practically glued to a book –- or when, for the first time ever, he mixes up two orders. He glances nervously at Liam when he notices it, blushes faintly as he hastily mutters apologies and assurances that he'll fix it, but Liam doesn't speak up.

He steps aside when Zayn needs to mix a drink, hands him the bottle of vanilla flavoring that he knows he needs, then leaves before he can make a fool of himself. From his peripheral vision he can see Zayn looking at him, but rather than seeming relieved at his change in attitude he looks tense and on edge, like it's all too good to be true and Liam's about to strike after he's lulled him into a false sense of security.

It's the same way he approaches him ten minutes later, worried, though there's a frantic edge to him now. Liam's not aware of much other than that this is the first time Zayn's said more than _hi I'm Zayn_ or _have a nice day_ to him, and Liam can't help but notice how beautiful his voice is, even when it's laced with trepidation.

“ _I'm so sorry”_ Zayn starts, and Liam wants to laugh because he's pretty sure that's supposed to be his line, but Zayn doesn't seem to be in a kind of mood where he'll take Liam laughing at him as something positive, so he bites on his bottom lip and says nothing. _“I have to go. I can't – I'm really sorry, but something's come up and I-”_

There's something Zayn's not telling him, and Liam shouldn't be surprised. Or offended. He's not exactly been the nicest towards him and even if they're co-workers Zayn doesn't owe him any information about his life. He'd like to know why he's being ditched mid-shift though, because Monday nights are busy as Hell and he can't do this alone. “What? Why?”

But Zayn's already taken off his apron and is fumbling for his cell phone and all the explanation Liam gets is another _“I'm sorry.”_

Liam's left to manage the crowd alone, and when his boss comes in an hour later, furious and demanding an explanation for the amount of complaints he's received from customers, Liam is sure that Zayn's fired.

 

 

To his surprise Zayn shows up for his shift the next evening -- quiet and pale and with bags underneath his eyes, but he's there. He doesn't acknowledge Liam save for a small nod, ties on his apron and begins serving coffee and sandwiches, and Liam would be pissed at his lack of an explanation if it weren't another busy night. From the looks of it Zayn is trying to make up for his absence last night by working twice as hard, and between them they manage to tame the crowd, though it leaves them sweaty and out of breath when things finally calm down.

“Everything okay?” Liam's almost surprised at hearing himself speak, but not half as much as Zayn, whose head shoots up as though he's checking to make sure Liam's actually addressing him. “I mean – you were kind of frazzled last night.” He tries, hoping that small talk will show Zayn that he's really trying, that he can stop looking so nervous around him.

Zayn almost smiles and parts his lips, but before he can answer, a boy's voice is heard. It's one of those moments where Liam recognizes the voice before knowing who it belongs to, and he's too slow in moving his eyes from Zayn to his friend Harry, slow enough that he registers the look of unmasked horror on Zayn's face as he calls out _“Yeah, Zayn was just busy with his girl, wasn't he”_.

Liam swallows around a sip of water, manages not to choke as fury explodes, engulfing his stomach in fire, red blood cells carrying venom through his blood stream. The words are out before he can stop himself, and part of him doesn't care. Part of him wants to hurt Zayn now because Zayn has a girlfriend and Liam tried defending him last night when their boss was so angry –- and it's no match for Liam's anger now. “I can't believe you somehow convinced the manager not to fire you after leaving like that. What did you do, get on your knees and suck him off?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of you who want to hurl bricks at Liam, Louis was going to, but then this happened. xD

Shit.

Liam sees the way Zayn flinches, almost recoils, and he suddenly wishes he had slapped him instead because he figures that would've hurt less than the absolute cruel words he just spat out. “Zayn” He tries, but Zayn shakes his head, and it isn't until he says _“Don't”_ in a low voice that Liam sees Harry is attempting to climb over the counter to get to him, those slender hands outstretched like all he wants is to throttle Liam for saying something like that to his best mate. Liam has half a mind to go over there and let him.

“ _But-”_ Harry starts, and Zayn shakes his head.

“ _I'm a big boy Haz. I can take care of myself.”_

Liam's relieved as much as he's disappointed, and he turns back to face Zayn, finding that the boy's usual expressive face is completely blank, save for the emotion that he can't hide in his eyes. “Zayn” He tries again, takes a step towards him, and Zayn shakes his head once more.

“ _I don't understand”_ He says, and his voice trembles, something that Liam notices makes him bite his lip and steel himself, the dark haired youth drawing himself up to his full height –- which in any other circumstance would make Liam laugh because he's never going to intimidate him with his slender physique, distract him yes, but it's the blazing look in his eyes that scares him, not his strength. _“What did I ever do to you? Why do you hate me so much?”_

Liam's tongue does that useless made of rubber thing again, and he swallows around it, shakes his head now too. “I don't... Zayn I don't _hate_ you.” He looks at him pleadingly, wringing his wrists when part of him wants to reach out and do –- something. Anything. Zayn meets his eyes for a moment, but looks away just as quick, and the shake of his head this time seems as frustrated as it is final.

 

Liam's miserable, and to top it off, his boss all but drags him into the staff room at the end of his shift. He's sure he's going to get fired and all he can do is nod wordlessly because he's really gone too far now, he can do nothing but agree with the man as he chews him out. It isn't until the yelling stops and he's yet to hear the _get out_ that he looks up, and though his boss looks rightfully pissed off he also looks worried. He tells Liam to take a break, come back in a week or two, and Liam hurries to get his body to agree, force another grateful nod before he's told to pack up his things and go home.

He doesn't deserve his sympathy, if that's what it is, but he's ever so grateful for it. Liam does wish he had the chance to apologize to Zayn though, but the other won't even look at him, busies himself with customers and scrubbing counters when it's supposed to be Liam's turn to lock up for the night. Liam lingers at the coffee machine for a second, but an icy stare from Harry makes him move away before Zayn's exhausted his avoiding-Liam-techniques.

 

He goes home, debates calling Niall, ends up texting Lou instead. 

_I'm an asshole_ , he sends him, and the reply is instant. _**???**_ It reads, but his phone buzzes before he can respond.

_**What did you do to him?** _

And really, Liam wishes that it wasn't the conclusion his best friend jumps to, because it makes him feel even worse. It'd not been two days since he sat in Louis's living room, swearing up and down that he'd make a change. Louis said he had faith in him, but both of them know that _if_ he did, it was sorely misplaced.

_He has a gf. Not that that makes up for it, mind u._ He starts, sighs and rubs at his face, wincing even as his thumb is typing out the words. _He left work last nite mid shift. I thought he'd be fired._ He ends up sending that before continuing in a new message, figuring Lou will ring him if he doesn't reply straight away. His phone buzzes with another text while he's halfway through his explanation, but he powers on, gets the words typed before he cops out. _He showed up 2day w/ Harry. I asked if he was ok & Harry said he left b/c of his gf. I got so mad. N I asked him if he blew our boss 2 keep his job >.<_

Liam takes a deep breath before hitting send, not bothering to read the one Louis sent minutes earlier because he knows it's likely just another message filled with question marks or maybe a _just fucking tell me already_. Instead he waits, lightly passes his phone from one hand to the other, waiting for it to buzz with another text. When his ring tone catches him by surprise he nearly drops his cell, and suddenly Liam's nervous, not sure if he wants to hear what Louis has to say.

“Hello?”

“ _LIAM JAMES PAYNE YOU DID **NOT** ”_

 

Somehow Louis yelling at him is a lot scarier than when his boss does it, even through the phone. But thankfully Lou's anger runs out a lot easier too, and once he calms down he sighs and asks him if Liam wants him to come over. Liam's a little embarrassed by how that question causes tears to rush to his eyes, and it shows in the way his voice cracks when he tells him thanks, but no, he's just gonna go to bed. Lou sounds soft when he replies to him, tells him in no uncertain terms that yes, he's a dick but he's still his best friend and as his best friend Lou's going to be there for him, but if he does come over Liam better sleep with one eye open regardless. Liam ends up laughing through the sob that threatens to tear out of his throat, thinks himself the luckiest guy in the world to have friends that are there for him even when his behaviour is absolutely despicable. When he tells him that in a voice that rivals Lou's in how quiet it is, Louis just laughs. _“You're a complete twat Liam Payne, but you make up for it by having an absolutely flawless best friend, so I forgive you.”_

“I love you, Lou.” Liam doesn't say it all that often, mostly just mutters _yeah yeah gerrof_ when Louis has one of his moods and proclaims his love for him by climbing into his lap or hanging all over him in public, or just says _me too man_ when they've had too much to drink and Louis is a bit teary-eyed and emotional at the end of the night. He knows that Louis knows even if he rolls his eyes and proclaims that he'll _take his_ _lovin' somewhere else thank you very much,_ but times like this Liam owes Louis more than implied I-love-you-too's.

“ _Yeah, yeah.”_ Louis says, then sighs. _“Not the person you should be telling that to, mate.”_

With that Louis ends their phone call resolutely, long before Liam can even think of protesting. 


	7. Chapter 7

Liam's almost scared to go to school after that altercation with Zayn, but when he shows up for his English Lit class he finds that his worrying was all in vain. Zayn's not there. Again. And Liam tells himself not to worry, nearly scoffs at the terrified thought that this has _anything_ to do with him because hello, egotistical much, but he still spends half of his day glancing around at Zayn's chair, hope that it will magically fill itself dwindling as time passes. It's not like Zayn to not show up, even if he's tired or half asleep in class, Liam doesn't think he's ever missed a single lecture. Except for a week or two in their first term, but lots of kids did then, and some never returned. He's not sure what happened then and he's not sure what's happening now, but when two days have passed and Zayn's not attended any of his classes, he texts Louis a minute after the last bell rings.

Why he expects Lou to know, he isn't quite sure, because Louis's classes are on the other side of campus and Liam's fairly certain that he's not spoken to Zayn more than once, but Louis has an air about him that claims he knows everything about everyone and Liam kind of needs it to be true.

His reply, as ever, is swift, though not very enlightening. _**I'll update you tonight**_ , is all it says, and despite Liam's insistent _?????_ (that he ends up sending twice, before he tries another pleading _lou come on_ that goes unanswered) it's all the explanation he gets.

By the time Louis does call him Liam is grumpy and tired from fretting and he's managed to burn dinner. He's half of a mind to tell Lou to call back later but the promise of take-out mellows him out, and the thought of finding out if Zayn's okay at least keeps him from sounding too sour as he agrees for him to come over.

 

Maybe he sounds a little overeager when he greets his friend with “Tell me everything” because Louis scowls, dumps boxes of delicious smelling food into Liam's arms and says _“Aren't you just the epitome of patience”_ in a tone that's decidedly too smug for Liam's liking. If there's one thing Lou loves it's knowing something others don't and Liam tries to keep his composure, busies himself with plates and cutlery and glasses of water and ends up shifting from the sofa to the floor to the comfy chair near the telly before he manages to settle down with a plate of spicy Mexican food. The food's good, the food's always good, but he barely tastes more than spice and heat and chicken and jalapeños before his plate is empty, and the way he regards Louis – who gives him a look that's reminiscent of Liam's mum when she explains the importance of chewing – makes him snort, put down his fork onto his still half-filled plate. _“Alright already, jeez Li.”_

Liam smiles at him, grateful and almost vibrating on the edge of his seat, and Louis rolls his eyes and sighs. _“I ran into Harry last night-”_

“Lou!”

“ _At the coffee bar.”_

“Was Zayn there?” Liam interrupts again, impatient, and Louis levels him with a look.

“ _Do you want me to tell you, or not?”_

Liam swallows down a retort, merely motions for him to continue, hoping that Louis will understand that he's three seconds away from twisting his arm and _making_ him tell him, or maybe he'll tickle him until Lou is pleading for it to stop or maybe, just maybe, he'll cling to his leg and _beg_ , instead.

“ _He was wearing that green shirt, you know the one, it clings to him in all the right places and it really brings out his eyes.”_

Throttling him is an option.

“ _I like it when a man understands fashion.”_

Yep. Definitely throttling.

“ _What was I saying? Oh, right-”_

“Zayn.” Liam grits out, but Louis merely sends him a sunny smile. _“Harry.”_

 

Something in the way Liam looks at him must be scary or pathetic enough for Louis to give in though, because he sighs. _“Zayn's going through some things at home, apparently.”_ His voice sounds different now, softer, and Liam isn't sure who he's concerned for – maybe it's Harry, who is Zayn's friend after all – but Liam feels less alone when he hears the worry in his friend's voice.

“Is it-” He starts, and Louis shakes his head.

“ _No. It's nothing to do with you, Li.”_

The reassurance is nice, but it doesn't take away the fact that apparently Zayn's had it tough enough already and instead of being a good co-worker, a potential friend, Liam's chosen to make it worse. “Will he be okay?” He asks, and his voice sounds so small that Louis comes over and sits himself in Liam's lap, cards fingers through his hair in a way that brings him even closer to tears.

“ _I think so? Harry wouldn't really tell me. When I came in... he just gave me this **look** and said oh, you're **his** friend.”_

As soft as his voice sounds Liam can't help but wince at the words, his arms tightening where they've circled Louis's waist. As playful and flippant as Louis is about the whole ordeal, Liam knows for a fact that he's got somewhat of a crush on Harry. He practically hid behind Liam the first time they encountered him at the campus bookstore, and all Louis could stutter out was a sheepish _hi_ at Harry's question on whether they'd been able to find everything. He'd even dropped his wallet while attempting to pay for the books they'd needed, and Harry had scanned and bagged all of them before Louis had completed the transaction. It didn't stop him from going back there at least once every week, but although it's been over a year since they first laid eyes on one another Louis has never plucked up the courage to ask him more than his name or what he does in school. It's so unlike Louis that Liam was baffled at first, but he soon realized that the way Louis acts around guys he's interested in is far different from the way he approaches those he deems attractive enough for a snog or a one night stand. It's kind of cute, really, the way he flushes and babbles and groans into Liam's shoulder when they're at home, _because Li, really, he's a **Politics** student and I'm in drama, he's going to think I'm an idiot, hell, **I** think I'm an idiot when I'm talking to him, I can barely string two sentences together when he smiles at me like that_ , and the thought of ruining whatever chance there is between them makes Liam feel even worse.

“Lou” He starts, but he's not sure how to address all of it, so he just awkwardly kisses his shoulder instead, and Louis sighs, rests his cheek against Liam's hair.

“ _Zayn”_ This time they both ignore the slight jolt of Liam's limbs at the mention of his name, though Louis scratches fondly at the nape of his neck. _“He was lovely, really. He told him, Haz, he said, just because he's Liam's friend doesn't mean he's an asshole like him.”_

The words shouldn't sting but they do, shouldn't leave him numb when the shock fades, because it's no more than he's expected, no more than he deserves but it's not what he wants, not what he ever wanted. And Louis knows that, because he doesn't linger on the words, smooths them over with a soft laugh at the continuation of his story. _“Harry asked him why not, and then Zayn – he said that hanging out with him had never made Harry any prettier. He got a muffin tossed at him for that, but then Harry smiled at me, so I think he'll be okay with me being around, even if I'm your friend.”_

Liam nods, tries to smile because he's genuinely happy that Louis sounds shyly pleased at the encounter, but there's still so much he wants to say, so many things he wants to ask. He has no clue where to start though, and just ends up making a frustrated noise, one that Louis answers with a soothing hum that Liam desperately wishes would work the way it always has. “Lou” He whispers, falls silent again, hoping that whatever goes unsaid doesn't go unheard.

“ _I know”_ Louis says, and he squeezes his shoulder, twists in his arms to kiss Liam's lips, quick and fond, those same lips pressed against his brow a second later. _“I know, Li. Give it time.”_ His smile is thoughtful, and Liam's glad that he's not trying to assure him things are going to be okay, isn't cheerily telling him _chin up Li_ or waffling on about how there's plenty more fish in the sea. Instead he just squeezes his shoulder once more, tells him _trust me_ without opening his mouth, and Liam nods again, squeezes back before disentangling himself so Louis can hop off his lap and finish his food. 


	8. Chapter 8

Give it time, Louis said, and that's what Liam tries to do. He stays away from the coffee shop because he figures Zayn won't be at all happy to see him there when he's not working, but he can't exactly stay away from class, and Zayn is bound to show up eventually. He's not sick, he can't be if he's working night shifts, though by the time Zayn comes back to uni Liam wouldn't have been surprised if he _had_ been ill, because Zayn looks –- he's gorgeous still, obviously, but where he normally shows up looking like he's had a rough night he looks positively _drained_ of any energy now. There's bags under his eyes that no amount of concealer can hide (Liam's had girlfriends tell him how much of a pain it is, not that he's ever really understood the need to hide something as human as dark circles under one's eyes, not until he sees Zayn and his instinct is to rush over and hug him) and he seems, if possible, even skinnier than usual. Liam wants to go over to his desk and ask him if he's okay, but he doubts he'd get more than the faint _'yeah'_ that a classmate gets when she musters up the courage. Zayn doesn't look all that pleased that she asked, he fidgets with his hair and sits up straight when their Professor enters, and Liam wonders if he should be courteous and look away and pretend that the way Zayn practically vibrates in his seat isn't anything out of the ordinary. 

Five minutes into their lecture, he expects Zayn to have succumbed to sleep, but although he's blinking rapidly he seems more energetic than usual, and Liam suspects that it's the last bit of spirit he's got left, the big blow-up before the inevitable crash. He's half a mind to text Louis to text Harry to text Zayn to ask him if he's okay but that's a little too third grade and he's pretty sure that their teacher is going to kick him out for using his phone in class. And Louis would tell Harry that Liam was worried and Harry might tell Zayn and what if Zayn _says_ something about it.

Or what if he doesn't? Liam's not sure what's worse.

He can't stop _looking_ though, stealing little glances whenever the Prof isn't looking, and it's not like he's waiting for an excuse, an in, but when Zayn growls under his breath –- the low sound making Liam shiver when it drifts to his ears –- and rummages through his bag to replace the pen that he's been trying to get to work for the past minute and a half, Liam's quick to lean over with one of his own, tap his wrist and whisper a soft “Here.”

Zayn looks up in surprise, head whipped up so fast that Liam almost winces in sympathy, and hazel eyes regard him curiously for a moment, making Liam blush a little under such intense scrutiny. He attempts a smile but isn't sure how successful he is, and Zayn drops his eyes to the offered pen, fingers reaching out hesitantly like he's expecting Liam to jerk it back and yell ' _psych!'_ but Liam doesn't, though he holds his breath until Zayn's fingers curl around the ballpoint. He smiles and Zayn doesn't smile back, doesn't say anything, but Liam savors the little jerk of his head that he suspects to mean _thank you_.

Liam gets another nod at the end of class when Zayn tries returning the pen and Liam says “keep it” while he fidgets with his bag, adds “we've got other classes coming up” like Zayn doesn't know, and Zayn still doesn't speak but he doesn't regard him with his usual hostility or aversion, just gives him another look like he's trying to figure out what Liam's angle is. Liam is so close to telling him that there isn't one, that he's just so sorry and he wants to make up for what he's done, but Zayn gives another, almost imperceptible, nod, and he's left the room before Liam's even parted his lips.

 

Liam meets up with Louis and Niall for lunch, which they end up eating on a park bench, because Liam's not heading into the coffee shop until his boss gives him the OK and it's nice out, despite the fact that Niall complains about the cold. There's snow in the air, Liam can smell it, and the scent reminds him of Christmas break coming up, of going home and seeing stockings stuffed with presents, of homemade fires and his mum's roast dinners, and he wonders if Zayn will have any of that. He's lost in his thoughts of the boy when Louis kicks his ankle and grins at the scowl he receives from Liam, looks up to see Niall's jogged towards the girl that tends bar on their nights at the pub, something that calls a smile to his own face. “He never gives up, does he” He says it fondly, and Lou shakes his head, swings his legs. _“Nope. You could learn something from him, you could.”_

“As could you” Liam shoots back, and rather than going pink Louis just beams brightly. _“Did”_ He says smugly, picks the lettuce from his sandwich and pops it into his mouth. _“Going on a date tonight. Some pretentious movie that Haz said he's dying to see, something about American politics or whatever.”_

Liam snorts, bumps his shoulder. “Right up your alley.” Louis sniggers along with him, brushes his bangs from his eyes.

“ _Me? I'm happy wherever we go mate, 's not exactly hardship sitting in the dark for an hour and a half, getting to stare at him.”_

“Getting to grope him, you mean” This time Louis does go a little pink, but he still can't stop smiling, and Liam wants to hug him but he settles for squeezing the back of his neck instead. “I'm happy for you, Lou.”

“ _Yeah well”_ Louis says, but he seems so pleased with himself, with the world and where he's at right now, and Liam can't think of someone who deserves it more than Lou does, except for maybe Niall, but he seems carefree and happy and just shrugs when the girl waves him off. _“You better get your act together, Payne, and maybe we'll end up going on double dates, you never know.”_

Liam knows better than to assume he's talking about Zayn, but he still can't help himself. “He's got a girl, Louis. Someone that's probably actually _good_ for him, too.”

An undecipherable expression crosses Louis's face for a moment, before he hastily rearranges his features into something more neutral, and Liam frowns, wants to ask what's up with the blank look Lou just gave him, but before he can part his lips Niall's joined them again, and Louis has flung himself into a conversation with all of his usual vigor. Liam resolves to asking him later, lets himself be drawn into a discussion about something-or-other, and ends up forgetting all about Louis's odd glance by the time their break is over, the three friends taking off in separate directions as Liam hurries to make it to his next class on time. 


	9. Chapter 9

Liam's sure he's supposed to be happy that Christmas break is sneaking up on him, but no matter how much part of him longs to go home, it feels wrong packing up for the holidays when there's all this unfinished business. He's talked to his boss and they've agreed that he will come back to work in the new year –- and Liam's oh so glad that he didn't have to explain what had caused him to be so cruel to Zayn –- but even with the prospect of having his job back, Liam knows that there are bigger things that need fixing.

He's just not sure where to start. Handing Zayn a pen in class seemed like a good, first step, but a week and a half later it's still the _only_ step. He's managed a “Hi” here and there, and the last time he said hello Zayn looked as though he might actually part his lips and verbalize a greeting in reply, but that's all the progress Liam's made since his god-awful comment at the coffee-shop.

Meanwhile his only source of information is Louis, and Louis has been rather –- _distracted_. Liam would say that his mouth is too busy being fused to Harry's but that's not entirely true, they _do_ sometimes take a break from snogging each other's face off, or so Niall says. Liam's not been witness to their passionate romance, and he's not exactly unhappy about that, but he does feel left out when they spend yet another night with Harry, even more so when they go to the coffee shop and Liam knows Zayn's working. Liam is aware it's his own damn fault and he doesn't begrudge Louis his time with Harry, nor Niall his time with his friends, but he'd like to see how happy Louis is, how happy Harry makes him, and that's kind of difficult when Harry absolutely refuses to even meet him.

“ _I tried, Li.”_ Louis says apologetically, the first time Liam expresses his misery at the four of them spending time together without him. _“He said he knows **exactly** who you are. I'll try and persuade him, okay?”_

Liam tells him not to, smiles and says that he shouldn't ruin a good thing and Louis tuts but doesn't argue. So that's that.

 

 

He's barely made it five steps out of his classroom when a flurry of limbs and dark curly hair accosts him, and Liam finds himself pinned against the wall of his library building, blinking rapidly as Harry Styles stares him down. _“You listen to me now,”_ he says, fisting Liam's jacket with those slender fingers, and something about the way he enunciates so clearly makes his words sound all the more dangerous. _“I don't like you. I don't care if the way you acted towards Zayn is because you've got a boner for him that's so big it's visible from space. You don't treat my best mate like that and get away with it.”_ He pauses, green eyes ablaze, gives Liam time to let the words sink in, to start worrying if Harry is going to inflict bodily harm on him. He smirks when Liam's eyes widen a little, lets the silence linger for another minute. _“But I like Louis. God knows what he's doing with a friend like you, but that's none of my business. Louis likes you, he says that you're better than the shit you've been pulling, and you goddamn well better be.”_

Liam wants to assure him that he is, that he can be, but Harry tightens his hold on him. _“I wasn't finished, Payne.”_ And Liam obediently closes his mouth again, teeth clacking together, something that makes Harry smirk. _“Like I said – I like Lou. And he's practically begged me to let you hang out with us tonight. As for Zayn-”_ The way Harry practically growls out his name makes Liam wonder if he should be worried for the dark-haired boy, but then Harry's smiling, almost, a fleeting expression that does nothing to diminish the weight of his words. _“He asked me to be civil, which shows that he's a far better person than you could ever hope to be. Or maybe he's the world's biggest idiot, I'm not sure yet. But here's the deal: I'll behave. Long as you do. One bad comment towards Zayn? One dirty look? I will neuter you. And I know what they say about Politicians and bluffing, but you **better** believe that this isn't just talk. Got it?” _

Harry's let go of him, and Liam nods, smooths the wrinkles from his jacket, glancing around to see if anybody has witnessed the altercation. If they have, none seem to have paid it any mind. “Okay,” he nods again, straightens up, meets Harry's eyes. “Thank you.” 

Harry frowns, like he was expecting Liam to defend himself or splutter in indignation, but he nods curtly, and Liam senses a grudging admiration for the way he's handling himself, though the other male makes sure to narrow his eyes at him before he leaves, tossing a _“I'm keeping an eye on you, Payne!”_ over his shoulder.

 

__

_**Liam_Payne says:** Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:**??_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** Oh. That._

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** You've got Zayn to thank for that, actually_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** Haz said no but then Zayn persuaded him_

_**Liam_Payne says:** :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** Idiot_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** :D_

_**Liam_Payne says:** :D _

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** OK enough of the bad chick-flick girl-talk_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** now_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** the big question!_

_**Liam_Payne says:**??_

_**Louis_Tomlinson says:** what are you wearing?_

 

Liam's not a girl. Not that there's anything wrong with being one, obviously, he's quite fancied some of them, they're all soft curves and most of them smell bloody brilliant, but he's never understood why some (though not all, Liam knows better than to generalize half the world into stereotypical behaviour) can spend the entire day leading up to a date fretting, going through their entire closet for something to wear. Most of the time they end up wearing what was their first choice to begin with, and honestly, it's not like most blokes really _care_ all that much whether the shirt you're wearing is cyan or topaz or aqua or all the other colors that he's happy to lump under _blue_.

So really, 'what are you wearing?' shouldn't be a difficult question, because Liam's wardrobe consists mainly of jeans, long-sleeves and t-shirts. His choices are pretty basic. Black jeans or blue. Baggy or not. Throw on a shirt and done. And yet by the time he's ready to leave, his bedroom looks like a tornado passed through it. Either that or Louis has had one of his moments where he decides that _life is boring_ and as such Liam's clothes need an update, which means that Liam is forced to go shopping with him and Lou will inevitably try (and fail) to convince him to buy pink (salmon) jeans or bright yellow sneakers. But despite the state of his bedroom, Liam's all too happy to leave the clothes strewn around. He doesn't care that he'll have to clean it up before he goes to sleep, that he can barely see the comforter that's spread over his bed under the clothes that have been discarded. Liam doesn't even spare the room a final glance as he pockets his keys and kicks his apartment door shut.

He's going to see _Zayn._

 


	10. Chapter 10

Liam's never really been shy, but he finds it hard to meet Zayn's eyes when he finally enters the coffee shop. He's made sure he's not the first to arrive, but although he's five minutes past their agreed meeting time Niall's the only one waiting for him. He's sat at the counter, elbows perched onto the shiny surface, nodding his head in greeting to Liam before turning to smile at Zayn. The way Zayn smiles back has Liam stifling a surge of jealousy, one that isn't entirely directed at Niall. He's missed his mates, even if he's still seen them it's not been the same, he's so used to being a part of their lives that it's strange to realize that he isn't part of _all_ of it, that they've got friendships, bonds, perhaps even secrets, that don't involve him. 

He swallows it back though, says “Hey mate.” to Niall as he slides onto a bar stool, gives Zayn another one of those self-conscious looks as he tries for a tentative “Hello.”

Zayn nods, moves towards the coffee machine, and then, almost as an afterthought, shifts back to face Liam. It's just for a second, before he abruptly turns around again, changes the coffee filter, but Liam's sure he's not imagined the soft _“Hey.”_

Niall's none-too-subtle elbow to the ribs does nothing to abate Liam's smile.

 

 

Harry keeps staring but Liam doesn't mind. If anything, he _likes_ that Harry's so watchful. It means Zayn has someone that genuinely cares about him, someone that'll be there for him – is there for him – when things at home are tough. 

Liam has no idea what is going on with Zayn, but he doesn't act any differently than he did when they were working together. That's not entirely true, he's less skittish and he talks more, but it's hard to stay stoic and taciturn when Louis and Harry are re-enacting a scene from a movie and Niall is building a fort out of waffles. Zayn's eyes meet his for a moment and Liam sees the fondness in those hazel eyes, knows that it's the way he looks at them too, and it feels like things are changing because of that. Like these three idiots Liam's sat with bind them together.

He wants it to last, he wants to be a part of it, be one of the people Zayn looks at with that gentle expression, not just the one who gets to see it directed towards his friends, someone who feels included and excluded at the same time.

“Zayn?” His voice sounds hesitant and immediately Harry breaks off mid-re-enactment, shushes Louis who laughs too loud and tries to keep talking –- and Liam figures it's Lou's way of relieving the tension, of keeping the moment from becoming a _thing,_ but his voice fades off with Zayn's quiet _“Yes?”_

Liam does _not_ look at Harry, doesn't want to see his response, as he continues. His eyes are trained on Zayn's face though he's not quite meeting his gaze either, distracts himself with his bottom lip instead, close enough to make it seem like he's looking at him without having to see the swirl of emotions in those dark eyes. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Harry says _“No”_ as Zayn says _“Okay”_ and then Harry practically roars in protest. 

_“Zayn!”_ He snaps, and Zayn replies, with a much quieter voice, _“Haz.”_

Something about Zayn's voice, despite its lower pitch, leaves his words to carry more weight than Harry's volume, because the curly-haired boy doesn't argue, just grunts out a breath and shrugs his shoulder. _“Suit yourself.”_ He says, and then it's a terse _“Liam-”_ and Liam nods. “I remember.” He says, chances a quick look at Louis before he slides out of the booth they'd been occupying, limbs feeling stretched in a way that vaguely reminds him of childhood TV, of pretending to be Inspector Gadget before superheroes took over his life.

“Kitchen?” He says and Zayn shrugs but nods, leads the way behind the counter, and Liam's impressed by his calm demeanor until he sees the tight set to his shoulders. It makes guilt churn in his stomach once more, and he's glad for the chance to hash it all out, though he's not sure if he'll be able to make Zayn believe he's sincere in his apology, doesn't know if he can _explain_.

He's sure his explanation isn't good enough, but it's all he has. So when Zayn turns around and leans against the fridge, arms crossed protectively in front of him, Liam scrapes his throat and keeps his distance and says “I'm sorry.”

 

 

As expected, Zayn doesn't say anything. He just arches an eyebrow and gives this curt nod that Liam takes as permission to continue. He trips over his tongue in his attempt to get the words out, flushes all the way down to his collarbones as he trails off and tries again. “I just wanted you to notice me.”

“ _Notice you?”_ Zayn asks, and Liam is sure he's doing an excellent impression of a tomato right now, which is kind of fitting, considering where they are.

“I thought you were –- well, fit. When I first saw you, I mean. At school.”

Zayn looks surprised by that, and Liam chews on his bottom lip, considers his next words for so long that Zayn scoffs, but it sounds more amused than irritated. _“Couldn't you have said 'hey mate, fancy a pint sometime?'”_ Liam watches as he pushes himself away from the fridge, moves through the kitchen but no closer to Liam. _“Would've gone over a hell of a lot better than calling me a whore.”_

Despite, or maybe because of, the lack of heat in Zayn's voice, Liam cringes at the words, at the memory of hissing those insults under his breath, the image of how he flinched. “Zayn-” He says, takes a step forward, but Zayn shakes his head.

“ _I did notice you, actually.”_

Liam wants to protest, wants to tell him about the time he asked Zayn for help, and instead of bothering with an answer Zayn had just muttered _sorry, I gotta go_ and Liam had stood there with his plans for asking Zayn on a date once he'd finished helping him, with his homework and his heart in his hands. Zayn had never even asked if he'd managed, afterwards.

He just shakes his head instead, kind of sadly, and Zayn makes a sound as though he's swallowing back a sentence, making Liam look at him curiously, wondering why he's holding back when Liam never has. Their eyes meet and this time Zayn is the first to look away, but he seems almost embarrassed now. It baffles Liam until his voice comes again, the tone so unfamiliar it takes him a moment to register that Zayn sounds _shy_.

“ _I thought you were cute. I genuinely thought I'd lucked out when I got a job here and learned that you'd be my colleague.”_

Liam practically swallows his tongue in an attempt to keep down the giddy sound that follows those words, hastily tells himself that Zayn's using past tense, that he's stopped thinking Liam was cute or he was lucky right around the time Liam refused to even give him his name in a proper introduction.

“Zayn, I'm _so_ sorry.” He's said it before and the words sound no different then, but he doesn't know what else to say, wants to put a hand on his arm and burn the words into his skin, make him _believe_ them in a way that the taste and his eyes can't.

“ _I know.”_ It comes out like a sigh, and Zayn shrugs his shoulder and straightens up, meets Liam's eyes before brushing an invisible piece of lint off his apron. _“It's okay.”_

“No, it's not.” Much as Liam wants to take the offer to sweep everything off the table, he doesn't deserve Zayn's forgiveness. Harry's right, Zayn is a much better person than he could ever hope to be, but that doesn't mean he won't aspire to be better, in his own right. “I appreciate it, but it's not that simple. I know it isn't. I know I messed up and I know that saying sorry won't fix things.”

“ _Changes them, though.”_ Zayn interrupts, and Liam kind of wants to kiss him. Badly.

In lieu of what he wants, Liam scrapes his throat and wets his lips and nods. “Can we start over?” He holds back the monologue that's threatening to spill out, the _you must hate me_ that sounds like he's desperate for Zayn to deny it, the litany of _I'm sorry, so sorry, Zayn, please forgive me, I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry_. He maintains eye contact instead, ends up gets so distracted by his eyelashes that he nearly misses Zayn's response, though the tiny affirmative nod he gives has him thrusting out his hand, smile uncertain but genuine. “Hi. I'm Liam.”


	11. Chapter 11

It's strange, how easy things seem after that. Liam has to remind himself that he hasn't _really_ just met Zayn, that despite the agreement to start over, things haven't been erased, no matter how hard they pretend that everything's forgotten.

It helps, that Harry isn't playing along. That he's still wary of Liam, though he's at least stopped glowering at him every opportunity he gets. He keeps an eye on Liam, regards his every move in stony silence, and maybe it should bother him, but Liam's glad. He doesn't _think_ he'll mess up again, because that slow, burning anger he's been feeling for months now is a lot easier to handle when Zayn acknowledges him, when Liam doesn't have to resort to insults to get his attention, but he's still thankful for Harry's vigilance.

It helps him remember, how Zayn used to look at him, because it's so different now. He smiles at him sometimes and his eyes have lost that wary look and yes, there are still those awkward moments where they realize how tentative and fragile their friendship is, but they've made progress.

When they meet in class, Liam no longer holds his breath to see if Zayn will respond to his greeting. He'll just say “Hi” and Zayn will look up and say _“Hey”_ and it's ridiculous how happy that makes him.

When they're at the coffee shop, Zayn doesn't spend an extra five minutes trying to make Liam's coffee just right, because he's no longer worried that Liam will find something wrong with it.

And when their group is meeting up –- because they're a group now, the five of them –- Liam isn't worried about being the first to arrive.

 

 

It's the last day of Uni, and contrary to high-school, where they'd watch movies on the final day because no one could focus on Maths or Economics when Christmas break was so close they could practically taste it, Liam's head isn't filled with thoughts of going home and presents. It's focused on the essay he's supposed to hand in on their final class of the day, and how no amount of working on it has made him feel completely satisfied with the end result.

He's gone to the coffee shop, rather than the library, to edit in some more detail, but not even the steaming triple-shot espresso gives him the focus he needs. Letters are dancing in front of his eyes and he's pretty sure he's scowling at his paper, because he hears a familiar laugh before a hand rests on his shoulder. The touch is brief, warmth barely having soaked through his jumper before the pressure fades, but Zayn is still so close that Liam can smell him, and when he turns in his seat he finds him looking over his shoulder, taking a peek at his paper.

Liam feels almost embarrassed, wants to do something as childish as cover his work with his arm, but Zayn's close enough that Liam could touch him if he shifted just right, and although he doesn't, he's not going to do anything to mess this up. Not when he can practically feel the warmth of the other's body. It's the closest they've been, not counting the times where Liam practically shoved him aside or bumped into him in a pathetic attempt to intimidate him. It's the closest Zayn's ever willingly come, and this time he's not scowling when he looks back at the paper. “I can't get this paragraph right,” he says, and Zayn leans closer, steadies himself with a hand on Liam's shoulder, and every fantasy he's had when he asked him for help in Freshman year comes rushing back.

He had imagined himself leaning back against Zayn, looking up at him from where he was hovering over his shoulder, he was going to ask him for help, probably use some ridiculously corny phrase that was laced with innuendo –- Liam's never been really good at flirting and he couldn't make himself sound smooth even in his day-dreams. He had imagined Zayn picking up on it, saying something that boiled down to him teaching Liam but infinitely better worded because Zayn _is_ smooth, he's a way with words that Liam never tires of, and then -

But it had never happened that way, and it doesn't now. _“Looks good,”_ is all Zayn says, but he doesn't move away and the silence seems almost hesitant, like there's more but he's afraid to overstep his boundaries.

“Yeah?” He asks, tilts his head a little as though he's contemplating his paper again, finger smoothing out the wrinkles on the page of notes that's filled with bullet points, abbreviations and crossed out lines.

“ _Yeah,”_ Zayn confirms, and this time his breath hitches, and Liam finds himself biting down onto his bottom lip. He's gotta make Zayn believe that it's okay to speak up around him, but he doesn't want to force him, wants to try and let things happen naturally, no matter how much he'd love to go full-speed ahead. _“Maybe-”_ Zayn starts, and Liam stays very still, can practically feel the tension radiating off the boy behind him, makes sure that not even his breathing disrupts the moment. _“Maybe it'd sound better if you moved that line there,”_ He points towards the third line of the offending paragraph, and Liam hums until his finger stops trembling and actually hits the page. _“To here. It makes it sound more convincing, you know?”_

“Yeah,” Liam says, and he's smiling, because this is progress, and furthermore, Zayn is right. It _does_ sound better that way, and he can't resist looking at him now, eyes crinkled and his smile widening. “Thanks, Zayn.”

 

Zayn meets his eyes and smiles back, and he scrapes his throat like he wants to say something, but Liam beats him to it –- suddenly worried that Zayn will want to say goodbye, and he's not ready for this moment to end. “You looking forward to going home for Christmas?” He says, and he wants to punch himself when Zayn's face falls, cringes because Zayn's Muslim, he probably doesn't even celebrate, but the apology dies on his lips when the other shrugs.

“ _Not really,”_ he says, but he doesn't sound like he's mad at Liam for asking. _“I'm, um, staying here, probably.”_ He's fidgeting with the strap on his bag now, and part of Liam wants to capture his fingers and cradle them in his hand, because there's hurt in those words and he's not got the right reply to comfort him.

“Oh,” he says, and it sounds like _I'm sorry_.

Zayn shrugs again, looks up from where he was tugging at a loose thread. _“Haz invited me over for Christmas, but I don't know. I don't want to impose.”_

Liam's fairly sure that Harry wouldn't invite him if there was even the slightest chance of him imposing, but he doesn't say that, because he doesn't really know Harry all that well and he's not sure he has the right to butt into their friendship. So he says “Yeah,” again, feels like a fool when silence settles between them. “I'm only going for a few days, myself,” he continues, and Liam's not sure where he's gonna go with this, just knows that he wants to keep talking, wants to do something that'll take that sad, almost lost kind of look, off Zayn's face. “Lou's coming back a few days before New Years, and Niall's got the full two weeks off so he's going back home, even if he's already saying he'd rather stay here –- but I think that's just cause he hopes there'll be idiots with fireworks and he'll get to look like a hero in front of the girl from the bar.”

He's babbling but Zayn smiles, even if it's still a little sad, and Liam turns around now, perches his elbow on the table and rests his chin on his hand. “So if you're not going home-” he starts, having changed his mind about wanting to avoid the subject, and Zayn flinches a little bit but doesn't tell him to quit it, so maybe this is something he wants to talk about. Even if Liam's probably not the person he wants to talk about it with. “Maybe we can hang out, when I'm back. If you don't end up going to Harry's, I mean.”

Liam realizes it sounds like a date about half a second after he's said it, and he shuts his mouth, opens it again to assure Zayn that he just meant as friends, that he's not as stupid as to think that there's still a chance for them, but the words get sort of stuck in his throat, and all he ends up saying is “It could be like a small Christmas celebration. A present, sort of.”

The door chimes and Zayn glances away for a moment, Liam's gaze following to where Niall is waving cheerily from the doorway, and his heart kind of sinks when Zayn moves away without answering. He turns back to his paper, idly marks where Zayn told him to switch the sentences around, and then he stuffs his essay in his bag, gulps down the lukewarm coffee. He's up on his feet and practically out the door before Zayn calls him back, says _“Hey, Liam?”_ in a tone that has him turning around even when he's already got his hand against the glass door.

“Yeah?” He asks, and it sounds so hopeful he wants to cringe, but Zayn flushes a little and smiles.

“ _I'll think about it.”_


	12. Chapter 12

“ _So, it's a date then.”_ Louis says, and Liam splutters.

“No,” he insists, but then remembers Zayn's smile. “Maybe.”

“ _Maybe?”_

“Kind of. Ish.”

Louis grins and Liam can't stop smiling because it's maybe-kind-of-ish a date, with _Zayn_.

They're at the bus terminal, waiting to head home, and Liam's hugged Louis about a dozen times, and Louis's hugged Liam about ten times more than that, and Liam's bus isn't leaving for another twenty minutes. “I'm gonna miss you.” He says, and looks at Louis. Louis, who keeps glancing down at his phone and smiling so wide that Liam's cheeks hurt in sympathy.

“ _You too,”_ Louis echoes, but it sounds distracted, and Liam bumps his shoulder with his own.

“I feel the love man,” he says, rolls his eyes when Louis looks up, a faint blush on his cheeks.

“ _Harry just texted me. He's trying to change his plans so he can be back here before New Years too.”_ Liam's smiling before Louis has even finished his sentence, and he has to resist the urge to hug his friend for the thirteenth time when he sounds so shy and pleased. _“He said he wanted to start the new year with me.”_

“Lou-” All it takes is a look, no words necessary between them, and Lou's blue eyes are full of affection when they meet Liam's brown ones.

“ _Can you believe it?”_ He says, almost quiet, and the only thing Liam can't believe is how long it's taken Harry to see that Louis was utterly smitten with him. He's never regarded Louis that way but he can see the appeal, can see how _soft_ Harry makes him, how he can just sit somewhere and be quiet and soak up all this happiness until he's practically _radiating_ , and Liam loves him more than he ever has when he gets to witness that.

Another look passes between them, and then Liam's grinning. “Really mate, it was about time. I mean, you've been hung up on him for ages, it was about time you let him know that you two were in a relationship.”

Louis snorts, but it's not until Liam prods his side that he retaliates, and in the midst of trying to avoid his jabbing fingers, Liam ends up hugging him again, and his words are stronger now, more insistent. “I'm gonna _miss_ you.”

 

 

 

He's excited to see his sisters again, to talk to his mum and spend time with his dad, but even when he's at home, Liam can't stop thinking about Zayn. He'd agree that it's rather pathetic, if it weren't for the fact that he's –- well, worried. Or sympathetic, really, but the point is that he can't stop thinking of Zayn spending Christmas alone. Regardless of whether or not he celebrates, no one should be alone during the holidays, and the thought of Zayn, home alone, no one to talk to or exchange gifts with, it's a sad one. It makes him feel almost guilty when they're gathered around the table for Christmas dinner or unwrap their presents later that evening, when they sit on the porch swing and drink hot chocolate as the snow flurries down around them. 

Liam tries reminding himself that Zayn has a girlfriend, that he could spend the holidays with her, but the truth is that it's awfully easy to forget about her. Zayn never seems to be anywhere other than in school or at work, so really, he's not sure how serious they are. She might've gone home –- in which case, Liam thinks, she must not be a very nice person. _He_ would never leave Zayn alone on Christmas.

Except that he has, but only because they're not dating and it'd be kind of weird if he offered to stay at uni so the guy he's verbally abused for months wouldn't be alone.

 

 

 

He ends up going back on Boxing Day.

 

 

 

Lou's agreed to give him Zayn's number, but Liam's kind of scared of texting him, so he's hoping that Zayn will be at work –- even if he's kind of hoping that Zayn's gone with Harry, after all. He's barely bothered to unpack, just grabbed the gift he'd carefully wrapped in a scarf so the wrapping paper wouldn't tear on the bus ride back, and within ten minutes of arriving home, he's pushing at the glass door to the coffee shop.

The bell chimes, and Liam finds himself meeting Zayn's eyes as the other glances towards the entrance. _“Hey,”_ he says, and he sounds surprised, but not unpleasantly so, so Liam offers a smile, takes off his hat and gloves. “Hi,” he says back, tugs at his scarf and undoes the button to his coat before taking a seat at the counter. “I know it's late, but, Merry Christmas, Zayn.”

Zayn smiles, in that way that makes his eyes crinkle and Liam's heart race, and he abandons all pretense of wiping the counter, though he only meets Liam's eyes briefly before looking away. _“Merry Christmas, Liam.”_ He says, and something in his voice makes Liam's heart thud painfully inside his chest. He's not sure _why_ Zayn sounds so shy sometimes, Liam's never really pegged him as the shy type even if he's not all that talkative, but he can't stop hoping that it's because of _him_.

“I uh, I got you something,” he says, and he fidgets with the bow on the gift for a moment, making sure it's not flattened from where he pressed it against his body to protect the wrapping from the snow. “It's –- I hope you like it.”

Zayn's quiet for a moment, and when Liam looks up he sees him eyeing the gift, those white teeth digging into his bottom lip again. He suddenly wonders if he shouldn't have, if getting him a gift is going to make Zayn think he's pressuring him to be nice, or forgive Liam, or _something_ , but Zayn smiles then. _“You shouldn't have,”_ he says, and Liam makes a face because only Zayn could make it sound genuine without making Liam feel like an asshole for doing it anyway.

“I wanted to,” he says, and Zayn smiles again, reaches out when Liam nudges the gift towards him.

 

To him, this is the best thing about Christmas. Seeing someone unwrap your gift, hoping that it'll be something they like, something that'll take them by surprise. From the way Zayn's mouth drops open, he's succeeded. _“Liam-”_ he starts, and then shakes his head, fingers sliding almost reverently over the spine of the book Liam's spent hours dubbing over at the store. It's old and cracked and the pages have that old library feel to it, and maybe he should've gotten Zayn something new, but second-hand seems to fit him better, somehow. This book shows that it's been read, been loved, and the way Zayn handles it now shows Liam that he's mindful of the memories locked into the faded paper. 

“I'd have gotten you a first edition, but-” he starts, and Zayn looks up, shakes his head again.

“ _Walt Whitman's leaves of grass? They sell for about 150.000.”_ He still sounds shocked, but he can't stop touching the book, like he's in awe of it, and Liam finds that he can't look away, even if he can barely stand looking at him for longer than a few seconds, too afraid that his heart will never go back to a normal rhythm.

“ _How did you know?”_ Zayn asks, and the way he puts the book to the side is so tender, so careful, and Liam's never been jealous of inanimate objects but he's close now. Wishes he could feel how those hands feel, around his waist, cupping his jaw, maybe exploring his face the way those fingertips felt their way across the cover. _“Whitman's one of my favorites.”_

Liam smiles, nods. “You, uh, you mentioned it, in class? When we were discussing Dead Poet's Society?” It must've been close to a year ago now, but he's never forgotten how Zayn went from seemingly uninterested in the subject to upright in his seat, eyes sparkling with an intensity Liam had never experienced before. “Someone asked about the poem, who it was by, and I could see you whispering his name under your breath. I figured-” He's blushing now, because Zayn is regarding him with a peculiar look, and yeah, it's probably a little creepy that he knows, that he's remembered. “Later on, you said he was one of the poets that made you think most.”

Zayn nods, busies himself with making Liam a drink, one that he refuses Liam's money for when he slides it towards him, and Liam doesn't need to taste it to know that it's his favorite. _“Thanks,”_ Zayn says, puts another cookie on Liam's plate when he goes to lift the mug from the saucer. Liam murmurs his own thanks, likes how he gets to know Zayn better now, how he's learning that Zayn needs a moment sometimes. To gather his thoughts, or to figure out what to say, and even if he goes silent, Liam knows that it doesn't mean he's angry or that the conversation is over.

“You're welcome.” Liam answers, and they're left smiling at each other for a while, until the door chimes and another customer needs Zayn to take his order. Liam watches as he prepares her drink, admires how comfortable Zayn looks, how confidently he handles preparing even the most complicated drinks. He's maybe staring a little, but when Zayn meets his eyes, Liam doesn't even have the decency to blush.

Zayn does, and Liam thinks that maybe he should be polite and look away, but before he can do much more than lift his drink to his mouth, Zayn's finished the transaction and moves over to the counter again, scraping his throat in a way that has Liam looking up expectantly.

The other's lip quivers in what is threatening to become a smile, and Liam's confused until Zayn points at his lip, and oh. Liam wipes his mouth with an embarrassed smile, ducks his head only to look back up when Zayn laughs, and this time he couldn't look away if he wanted to. 

 

There's so much he's yet to learn about Zayn, but his facial expressions tell Liam more than his words. He notices the way he bites his lip when he's nervous or worried, the way his nose scrunches up when he's trying to figure out the right way to approach a situation, and Liam finds himself holding his breath long before Zayn's gathered the courage to speak. _“Liam?”_

“Yeah?” It sounds a bit breathless, and the smile on his own face is sheepish when he catches the corner of Zayn's mouth curl up in amusement.

“ _Are you – do you – that is.”_ He makes that face again, where he's annoyed at himself, and Liam lowers the mug, waits expectantly. Zayn brings a hand to his hair, like he's wanting to fidget with it, then drops it, like he's worried the movement will be too revealing. He ends up wringing his wrists, instead, which really isn't much better, but Liam holds his tongue. _“I'm free in an hour. If you want to hang out.”_


	13. Chapter 13

He's fairly sure he's never smiled this wide. It's  _beaming_ , really, more than smiling, and Liam finds himself lowering his gaze until his stupidly wide grin is directed towards his empty mug. Zayn still notices, though, of course, but other than a chuckle, he doesn't say much, not until Liam's looked up again. “Yeah,” he says, and he sounds more or less normal, much to his own relief. “Yeah, that'd be cool.”

  
 _Cool_  doesn't begin to cut it, but Zayn returns his grin, and Liam's staring at him unabashedly.  _“Cool”_ , he echoes, and Liam's glad when he turns away to help a customer, because sometime in the near future he figures  _breathing_  might be a useful skill to have.

 

 

  
Liam ends up going home a few minutes later, when Zayn shrugged a shoulder in reply to his “What would you like to do?”. He's got an idea, he says, and Zayn looks amused and a little apprehensive, but Liam promises him it'll be fun, hopes that's true for Zayn, because Liam knows full well that all it takes for him to enjoy himself is simply being near Zayn.

  
He says he'll meet him in front of the coffee shop after Zayn's finished his shift, and after a quick shower and a ten minute search for his wallet –- that he could've sworn  _hadn't_  been hiding underneath his mum's Christmas present when he left –- Liam's there right on time, red-faced and panting a little from the slight jog he broke into after the sudden panicked thought that being late might make Zayn think he was playing some kind of cruel joke on him.

  
Zayn doesn't seem to have been worried at all, because he's pushing himself off the wall when Liam finally comes to a halt in front of him, nodding hello as he brings a cigarette to his lips. Liam's always thought smoking was a disgusting habit, but the way Zayn's lips curl around the filter is nothing short of sinful. He tips his head back to release little clouds of smoke, eyes on Liam as the corner of his mouth quirks up into what Liam suspects is  _hello_ , and Liam is suddenly ridiculously glad for the long pea coat he's wearing.

  
“Hey,” he says, for lack of anything better to say –- anything that isn't  _oh my God, who gave you the right to look this amazing, it's mid-winter and you look like you've just been in a fashion shoot, how come your nose isn't red and your lips aren't chapped, like, are you even human?_  –- and Zayn nods his head again, replies with his own  _“Hey.”_

  
They end up smiling at each other while Zayn finishes his cigarette, and Liam shouldn't be so fascinated by the almost ritualistic way in which he smokes –- because that breathing thing is still quite essential, he's sure –- but he can't help himself. He's wanted to learn more about him since the first time he laid eyes on him, and he's  _allowed_  to look now, allowed to soak up all those tiny details and add them to the ever-growing list of things he knows about Zayn Malik.

  
Zayn scrapes his throat when he's finally dropped the cig, heel of his shoe scattering the embers, and Liam looks up, flushes a little like he always does when he's caught staring, but Zayn is slightly pink, and he's smiling even if he's trying to cover it behind a loose-knit red scarf.  _“So,”_  he starts, and he sounds shy again, but a little pleased too, like he actually  _likes_  it that Liam can't keep his eyes off of him, and Liam can't help but get a little lost in his eyes as he mindlessly echoes him. “So.”

  
 _“Where are we going?”_

 

 

  
The way Zayn's eyes light up when Liam –- hesitant despite his idea –- explains about the skating rink is  _so_  worth the over-priced tickets, or the prospect of cheesy Christmas carols.

  
 _“I haven't gone ice-skating in years,”_  Zayn says, and then he gives Liam a dubious look.  _“I'm not sure you're strong enough to catch me when I fall.”_  He laughs and Liam doesn't even care that it's at his expense, though he pouts until Zayn bumps his shoulder and says  _“Thank you.”_  in that quiet voice that Liam's come to associate with the slow flutter in his stomach.

  
It's not so bad, when they finally get there. There are Christmas carols, but as it's Boxing Day and later on in the evening they're also playing a mix of Top 40 songs, and due to the time the rink is almost deserted, save for two couples and a group of giggling girls. Liam pays for their skates despite Zayn's protests, hums in a non-committal way when he insists on buying them drinks, later. Zayn rolls his eyes and huffs as he tugs on his skates, says  _“Liam”_  in a tone that makes Liam laugh, that makes him push up off the couch and wobble towards the rink, hands curled around the boarding as he takes the first few, hesitant, steps onto the ice.

  
“I'll let you pay for drinks if you manage not to fall before I do.” He says, and it's such a stupid challenge, but Zayn brightens up, makes his way onto the ice and nearly falls before he's got both skates onto the rink. He says  _“Liam”_  again, and it sounds like  _Leeyum_ , sounds like  _I hate you_  and  _no I don't_  at the same time.

  
Liam laughs, finds his footing, a rhythm, ends up skating backwards as he keeps looking at Zayn, and Zayn scowls because he knows Liam's showing off, but he's smiling too, and Liam ends up skating towards where he's still holding onto the railing. He's about to extend a hand when Zayn gives him a calculating look, wobbles precariously on his skates, and  _shoves_.

  
His ass hits the ice and Zayn  _cackles_ , pushes away from the boarding and moves with such grace that Liam immediately knows he's been played.  _“I win,”_  Zayn sing-songs, and Liam would tell him that usually people wouldn't be so stupidly pleased about having to spend money, but he's too busy smiling.

 

 

  
The eggnog is ridiculously over-priced, but  _good_ , and sitting on a wooden bench with Zayn's shoulder pressed against his as they sip their drinks is even better. They don't talk much, just blow until the mixture is cool enough to drink, and the alcohol warms Liam's belly, makes that flutter feel less like nerves and more like love. He wants to stay here indefinitely, with the decorated Christmas tree looming over the skating rink, with  _Teenage Dirtbag_  playing over the stereo, with Zayn's knee that has knocked against his and stayed there.

  
They're frozen when they finally go back out onto the ice, and they're both clumsy because of it. Liam falls, and Zayn laughs, and then Zayn falls and Liam laughs, and at some point extending a hand to help the other up evolves into holding onto that hand even when they're skating.

 

 

  
If Liam could manage to take off his skates while still holding Zayn's hand, he would have, because not even his gloves are a match for the warmth of Zayn's fingers clasped in his, but the laces are hard enough to undo even with the use of two hands, so he settles for sneaking looks as he tries to work out the knot in his laces, admires Zayn's strong hands and his profile –- and his slight smile when he catches Liam looking.

 

 

  
 _“This night's been amazing,”_  Zayn says when the sound of laughter and Christmas music has faded away, when Liam's hands are in his pockets because he couldn't figure out how to take Zayn's hand without it being awkward.  _“Thank you, Liam. You didn't have to do this, but I'm glad you did.”_

  
Liam shrugs, smiles at him, honest and easy. “I promised,” he says, and Zayn bites back a smile and nods. “I'm glad you gave me the chance.” He continues, then ends up staring at his shoes when he's not sure how Zayn will respond.

  
 _“Me too.”_  The words are soft, so soft that Liam's not sure Zayn meant for him to hear them, and he debates asking him to repeat himself versus pretending he hasn't heard versus possibly just smiling at his shoes some more, but then Zayn takes a deep breath and the way he says  _“Liam”_  has Liam's heart sinking before he even knows what's coming.

  
Whatever it is, he's not sure he wants to hear it, but he only motions for him to go ahead when he catches Zayn looking at him, seemingly waiting for permission.

  
 _“There's something I need to tell you,”_  Zayn starts, and it takes Liam a moment to place his tone, to figure out why it sounds so familiar, because he hasn't heard Zayn formulating his words so carefully in weeks.  _“About –- about my girl.”_

  
..How is it that he managed to forget about her, yet again?

  
Liam says “Okay,” in a tone that screams that it's not okay, tries to pretend that he hasn't been attempting to figure out whether or not he should kiss Zayn after he's walked him home. He's suddenly mad again, and not just at himself for forgetting, but at Zayn, for not bringing her up earlier. For letting him believe that this was more than  _maybe kind of a date_. He doesn't look at Zayn, but his jaw clenches and Zayn's slight intake of breath tells Liam that he noticed.

  
Zayn is quiet for so long that Liam stops mid-walk, turns to face him, and Zayn looks lovely in the warm orange glow from the street lamp, but he seems wary and it almost breaks Liam's heart. He takes a step back, shakes his head. “I thought you trusted me,” he says, and it sounds hollow. “I thought that you weren't afraid of me anymore.”

  
 _“I'm not,”_  Zayn argues, but he still sounds apprehensive, and Liam snorts, bites back the  _could've fooled me_  that's threatening to escape. He feels like he should've known better than to get his hopes up, and all of a sudden he's not sure he wants to hear what Zayn's got to say about his girl. He's angry, he's hurt, and Zayn might trust him but right now Liam's not too sure that  _he_  does.

  
“I gotta go,” he says, and he's already walking backwards, away from Zayn who seems frozen underneath that lamp post, who says  _“Liam,”_  again, who says  _“Wait!”_  but doesn't make a move to stop him. His final  _“It's not what you think.”_  is feeble, barely audible over the crunch of fresh snow underneath Liam's soles, and Liam doesn't answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /o\ I apologize for the less than stellar timing of the sadness in this chapter in regards to the recent Ziam developments. I had this all planned out despite how much I wanted to write something happy.


	14. Chapter 14

Once Liam has calmed down, he regrets leaving the way he did. He regrets not listening to Zayn, not giving him a chance to explain why he seemed so scared. Instead he'd jumped to conclusions, and while he can't be certain that they're the wrong ones, he does feel shitty for not giving him the chance to tell him about his girl, no matter how much part of Liam still refuses to hear anything about her.

He doesn't know how to admit to him, though, how much it  _hurt_  to see that look on Zayn's face again. To have to ask himself if Zayn was expecting him to snap. He can't help but wonder if Zayn is disappointed in him now, maybe thinks that he hasn't changed after all, even if Liam rationally knows that that's not true. He didn't yell at Zayn, didn't insult him or try to hurt him, and even if the end result is still that he's made Zayn miserable, in a sense he tried to do the right thing. He can only hope that Zayn understands that, that he's willing to explain once Liam's ready to listen.

He's almost tempted to use the number Louis gave him, but this isn't a conversation he particularly wants to have over a text message. Liam feels like Zayn deserves to see him apologize in person –- and maybe that isn't just bravery, maybe part of Liam hopes that, this way, he will be able to erase the memory of Zayn looking so careful, so wary. 

(And maybe part of him hopes for an apology from Zayn, because it's shitty manners, holding his hand and flirting with him and then bringing up his girlfriend at the end of what had been a great first date)

 

  
Bravery aside, Liam gives it a day. 

Or two.

 

  
When he finally gathers his courage and enters the coffee shop, he ends up with a shriek and a  _“Merry Christmas!”_ belted into his ear, an arm-full of warm body and soft hair tickling his nose. Liam laughs, squeezes him, attempts to tickle him through the thick coat he's wearing. “Christmas is over, you tosser.” He says fondly, and Louis rocks back, hands on his hips, glares at him.  _“Looks like someone is going on Santa Louis's naughty list. Tsk.”_  He tuts, shakes his head as though he's disappointed, and Liam rolls his eyes and steals his beanie, ruffles his hair and laughs when Louis jams the beanie back onto his head and stage-whispers something about Harry not being allowed to see his hair.

_“No presents for you!”_  He announces dramatically, moves to plant himself in Harry's lap, Harry who looks amused and relaxed, completely enamored with Louis and the way he refuses to let him slip his fingers underneath the beanie. Liam can't help but smile at them, though it wavers slightly when he meets green eyes. “Hullo” he says, and Harry gives him a once-over. It makes him think back on their conversation, on Harry's threat to his balls, that he swears are shrinking in his boxers right now, because what if Zayn told Harry what a dick Liam's been?

_“Hi.”_  Harry answers, curtly, and Liam exhales in relief, tries for casual when he moves to sit by them and asks “Is he working today?”

_“Zayn?”_  Louis asks, and Harry sounds, not exactly annoyed but certainly displeased, when he answers.  _“When isn't he.”_

_“When am I not what?”_  Zayn's voice comes, amused, and Liam straightens up, turns to meet his eyes, sighs in relief once more when Zayn doesn't look away. He seems a little sad, but not angry, and Liam breathes out a quiet “Hey,”, intends to follow up on it but Harry interrupts.

_“Working. Hey Z, have you given any more thought to New Years yet?”_  From the way Zayn turns to face him, shoulders tense, this is a conversation they've had before, and the clipped way in which he answers sounds rather definitive to Liam's ears.  _“Yes. And the answer is still no.”_  

Harry doesn't seem to agree with Liam, or maybe he doesn't  _care_ , because he meets Zayn's gaze, looking just as serious, though there's a certain fond exasperation to his tone.  _“C'mon, Zayn, it's one night.”_

Liam meets Louis's eyes, wonders if this is a conversation they're allowed to sit in on, but Louis makes no move to leave Harry's lap, traces the veins on his hand instead, thumb brushing over his knuckles like he's trying to keep him calm –- and Liam wishes there was someone who could do the same for Zayn, who looks agitated and upset, something that's no better even when he's not the one causing it.

_“You know why I can't,”_  Zayn argues, and he's halfway back towards the counter when Harry growls in frustration, snaps  _“Fuck, Z, it's not the end of the world if you go out and have some fun, okay? You don't have to always be with her when you're not working.”_

Liam's really quite sure he doesn't want to overhear this, scrapes his throat between Zayn's angry  _“Yes, I do!”_  and Harry's shouted  _“She'll be fine without you for a night!”_  and ends up saying, rather loudly: “Why don't you take her with you?”

 

  
He watches Harry's face twitch, wishes he'd kept his mouth shut because this is none of his business, but then Louis is giggling, and even Zayn is looking at him like he's just said something stupid –- but the way he smiles (tries to bite his lower lip from curling up too much) makes it look like he thinks whatever Liam's said is kind of endearing. “What?” He asks, dumbfounded, looks from Louis –- whose eyes skitter away –- to Harry, who just scowls and jerks his head towards Zayn like he's saying  _this is all on you_. 

“Zayn?”

Zayn sighs, rubs at his forehead, and Liam stays silent, lets him work through whatever he needs to, sees from the way he glances around that he's trying to decide whether or not to pull him aside first. He keeps looking at him, tries to keep his eyes from showing just how badly he wants to –- needs to –- hear Zayn explain, hopes that they radiate trust and warmth instead. He wants to tell him that he'll listen now, whatever it is that Zayn needs to say, wants to take his hand like he did on the rink, when they didn't have to use words to say  _I trust you_. 

_“I can't-”_  Zayn starts, and Liam tries to keep his heart from dropping at those words, holds onto the way Zayn bites his lip like he's going to say more, pins his hope on the way he breathes in, shaky and nervous.  _“I can't take a baby to a club, Liam.”_

Zayn glances at him for a moment, long lashes framing those lovely eyes, and Liam watches him make some kind of aborted hand-movement, like he wants to reach out and establish a connection, needs to know if Liam's still here, if he's heard, if he's okay. Liam swallows, frowns. “You –- your girl.”

It starts to make sense, when Zayn visibly relaxes, and Liam doesn't really need the barely audible  _“Yes”_  that he forces out, nor the stronger –- and no less apologetic –-  _“Yeah.”_

“How old is she?” He asks, glances at Louis, unsurprised face telling him that his friend knew, might've known for a long time, Liam doesn't know. He'll ask him, but later. Right now, Zayn's the one that matters. Zayn and his daughter.

_“Sixteen months.”_  Zayn sounds quiet, obviously still worried, but he also sounds  _hopeful_. Liam can't help but smile a little, even as he thinks back. Sixteen months means August before their first year of Uni, means Zayn had a newborn baby girl when classes first started, when everything was new and scary and overwhelming. He feels a rush of affection for the other boy, but holds himself back.

“So,” he starts, carefully now. “No girlfriend?”

_“No girlfriend. Not anymore.”_

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This didn't come as a surprise to some, I'm sure ;D


	15. Chapter 15

_“Well, then.”_  Louis's voice startles Liam, and Zayn twitches too, colors when Liam chuckles softly, but Liam's too relieved by Zayn's relationship status to feel embarrassed about being caught staring at him. Zayn was staring back, that helps too.

  
_“That was surprisingly-”_  Lou seems lost for words, but Harry pipes up, helpfully supplies:

  
_“...anti-climactic”_. 

  
Zayn grins and Liam grins and Louis makes this noise in the back of his throat and says something about how he and Harry shall not be outdone as the cutest couple in this town, but Liam can't really pay attention to him, because Zayn's still blushing and he's jerking his head in the direction of the kitchen, voice soft as he asks  _“Come with me for a moment?”_

  
Liam turns to Harry out of habit, fully expecting to see him giving Liam his usual  _I'm watching you_  glare, but he's too busy snogging Louis to notice –- and Louis seems totally into it, but in passing, Liam catches him glancing at him, giving him a subtle thumbs-up. He can't help but snort, knows that Lou will insist he was offering himself up as a distraction, such a good, great best friend, but from the way he sighs into Harry's mouth when hands slip under his jacket, it's not much of a sacrifice.

 

  
“So, no girlfriend,” he repeats, then laughs, rubs the back of his neck with an embarrassed smile. “Sorry, I'm kind of stuck on that.”

  
They're stood in the kitchen, not unlike a few weeks before, but this time Zayn isn't pacing around or keeping his distance, though he still looks distinctly nervous. Something that doesn't disappear despite Liam's words, even if they coax a smile to those full lips.  _“Yeah,”_  Zayn replies, and then he's silent, just staring at Liam, obviously waiting for him to say something. Maybe freak out.

  
Liam rubs his face then, takes the time Zayn thinks he obviously needs, tries to process the fact that Zayn has a daughter. Because yeah, that's kind of a big thing. A this-changes-everything kind of thing, the kind of thing that makes people reconsider dating someone. Liam knows Zayn knows that, guesses that Zayn knows Liam does, too.

  
_“Look, I understand-”_  Zayn starts, and Liam reaches out, wraps his fingers around Zayn's wrist when the other shifts as though he's about to leave.  _“Liam,”_  he says, whispers, but Liam shakes his head, not sure of a whole lot right now except that he won't be the one to make Zayn's face fall. Not this time. Not again.

  
So he pulls him in, surprises Zayn with his arms around him, is surprised in return when Zayn doesn't protest, just melts into him until they're chest to chest, Zayn's arms around his waist and Liam's around his shoulders.  _“What are we doing?”_  Zayn asks, and it sounds muffled from where his mouth is pressed against Liam's clothes, but the worry and uncertainty in his voice are hard to miss.

  
“I don't know,” Liam answers, honestly, and Zayn exhales audibly but doesn't move. Not that Liam would let him, but he's glad that he doesn't have to fight to keep him in his arms, not when he's too busy trying to find the right words to really appreciate the fact that he's sort of cuddling Zayn. There are so many things he wants to say, so many questions at the tip of his tongue, and he's not sure what he's going to end up going with until he actually parts his lips and asks. “What's her name?”

  
Zayn glances up at him, so close that Liam could count his eyelashes, but he's trying to focus on the way he looks, because he's doing that worried-but-hopeful thing again and Liam wants to brush his fingertips over his face until his worry-lines disappear.  _“Layla,”_  Zayn says, and there's the beginning of a smile on his face, a light in his eyes that Liam has never seen before, that makes him want to meet the young girl that brings that look of joy to his face.  _“Layla Melissa Malik.”_

  
“Can I meet her?”

  
Zayn looks, understandably, hesitant, and Liam brushes a thumb over his eyebrow then, indulging himself. “I don't mean right now. And it's up to you whether or not it happens at all, but-” He takes a breath, smiles down at him, a little uncertain but almost confident too. “I'm hoping that, at some point, you'll consider introducing me to her?”

  
_“As the guy I'm dating?”_

  
“I was thinking as  _Liam_ -” Zayn's blushing now, murmuring  _sorry_  under his breath, but Liam shushes him, squeezes him close as he moves to rest their foreheads together. “- but that could work, too.”

  
Zayn is still a little flustered, but he meets Liam's eyes, smiles despite himself –- then does that lip-bite thing that has Liam scoffing at him. “Do you have any idea how crazy that drives me?” He asks, and something warm settles in his stomach when Zayn pulls back and almost giggles. 

 

  
They head back out to the front with a promise to meet up after work, because as Zayn rightfully tells him, there's a lot of things that they need to talk about. He seems almost apologetic about it, maybe even worried that things are too much, too serious, and Liam doesn't blame him for being a little skeptical. Honestly, having a kid at their age is a big deal no matter how you twist it, and if Liam's honest with himself, he might not have considered going out with Zayn if he'd known beforehand.

  
But he knows him now, knows how he laughs and how he teases and how his fingers feel in-between Liam's own, and he might not know what to do or where they're going to go from here, but he knows that he'd like to figure all of that out with Zayn.

  
He's not sure how Harry'll react to that plan, but as long as Louis can keep him distracted, Liam thinks they should be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might quite possibly be the last chapter before the epilogue. That took even _me_ by surprise.


	16. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and with this, I leave you all.
> 
> Thank you ever so much for reading, commenting, kudo-ing and loving this story, it means the world to me ♥
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy the epilogue!

Layla, as Liam should've known, is utterly irresistible. Like her father, she's got beautiful hazel eyes, and at sixteen months old she's already mastered a smile that gets people to cave to her will, regardless of what she wants. Zayn watches her with an indulgent smile the first time she meets Liam, though his own hazel eyes are a tad worried when she hides behind his legs and refuses to say hello – that is, until Liam crouches down to her level and offers her a toy gift.

(He'd had to square it with Harry, which was an interesting conversation, to say the least. He would've asked Zayn but Zayn doesn't want anyone spending money on her, and Liam wasn't sure if Harry would be different, if he'd insist Liam listens to Zayn on this. Harry had scoffed instead, rolled his eyes and told him in no uncertain terms that Zayn was an idiot – and he'd added that if Liam was enough of an idiot to spend money on him, he wasn't going to stop him.

From Harry it's as good as a blessing.)

She peeks out from behind Zayn's legs, inches forward to inspect the toy with her tiny toddler hands, and Liam finds himself holding his breath much like he did when he offered Zayn that pen in class. He's motionless until she grabs the toy and retreats behind her father, then looks up to find Zayn smiling down fondly at him.

“She's beautiful,” he says, and that's that.

 

Zayn doesn't end up going out with them on New Year's. Despite Harry's attempts to persuade him – which range from begging to arguing to wheedling to calling him all kinds of names – Zayn stands his ground and tells him that he's staying home with Layla. 

Harry then, begrudgingly, offers to host a New Year's party at Zayn's place, and Liam might never understand how their friendship works, but he knows that Harry – regardless of the insults he hurls at Zayn on a daily basis – loves him more than anything. 

He knows Zayn feels the same, because he smiles and shakes his head and tells him _don't be daft, Haz_ and _have a good time_ and _have a pint for me_.

Harry says he'll have more than one pint for him, thank you very much, and also a good snog at midnight, and Liam finds himself flushing when everyone turns to look at him as he says it.

(He ends up spending New Year's on Zayn's couch, counting down the seconds to midnight but when the clock strikes they end up smiling at each other instead of kissing, because Zayn wants to take this slow and make sure that Liam is a hundred percent okay with this – with them, with the extra baggage that this relationship will bring – and Liam respects that even if he wants nothing more than to find out if kissing Zayn is as good as he imagined.)

 

Niall is so relieved when he comes back from his Christmas break, because _mate, keeping secrets from you feels so shitty, I can't lie for shit you know that_ and Liam learns just how long Louis and Niall have known about Zayn's girl.

He tells them it's fine, _really Lou, honest, I get it, okay?_

He tells Zayn the same, when Zayn admits that he asked Niall to keep things quiet, glad that he's offered up this information, even if he's already got the whole story from Niall minutes after his friend found out he knew. 

(He nudges Zayn and says _maybe I should've been a fire-fighter too_ because he would've liked to have known earlier, would've liked to see Zayn with bed-hair and sleepy eyes, even if the thought of him with Layla, out on the streets in December because of a potential gas leak in their building, makes his heart hurt. He doesn't like thinking of how afraid Zayn must've been, how scared he was that Niall would tell him. 

He doesn't say _I understand why you kept it a secret_ or _I would've never used this against you_ because it's all in the past. 

Instead, he laughs when Zayn says that being a firefighter has never done Niall any favors, and that not being a firefighter has landed Liam a boyfriend and that's the dumbest thing Zayn's ever said, Liam's sure, but he's too busy beaming at Zayn because he just called him his _boyfriend_.)

 

Liam, eventually, learns exactly what happened in Zayn's past. 

It's three weeks into their relationship-that-isn't-really-a-relationship (because they've yet to kiss or go on a date, even if Zayn allowed Liam to babysit that one time – and nearly lost his temper when Harry seemed against it, and Liam has never seen Harry so subdued as he was after Zayn asked him if Harry thought he was a bad father) that he ends up hearing why Zayn won't go home.

_I don't have a home anymore, Li. This is my home now._

Liam holds him when Zayn curls in onto himself, when his voice is soft and scratchy as he explains about finding out his girlfriend was pregnant, when it grows stronger as he tells him that he wanted to step up to the plate – _if I'm enough of an adult to have sex, I'm enough of an adult to raise a kid, she's my responsibility, Li, how could I do away with her like she doesn't matter?_

He rests his chin on Zayn's shoulder when Zayn continues, tells him about the fights with his parents and his leaving home when they urged him to give her up for adoption. Zayn toys with his fingers and holds his hand, squeezes palm to palm as Liam's learning about those first few months after Layla was born. He sees their shared past in a different light now, pieces of the puzzle falling in place as he matches up Zayn's absence from school with his girlfriend bailing on him, claiming that she couldn't do this.

He wants to ask him why he didn't go home, but Zayn beats him to the punch, admits to being too proud to ask for help when he knows his parents disapprove of raising her, how he'd rather be a single father than go home and risk having to give her up. Liam kisses the shell of his ear and whispers how proud he is of him.

(He wishes he could persuade him to go home, wonders if he's right in thinking that Zayn's parents would be equally proud of him.

He tells himself _maybe later_.)

 

He ends up meeting the neighbor that's been babysitting Layla whenever Zayn's at work – bumps into her when he's carrying the sleeping girl inside, Zayn following behind him with bags of groceries. She gives him an appraising look and smiles.

Liam ends up cooking her dinner later that week, when Zayn's trying to earn the money he needs to afford daycare. She doesn't tell him much about Zayn, but all the more about Layla, and when she sees him out of the apartment later on she tells him _I'm glad he's met you_ and Liam smiles and says “I'm glad too,” and she hugs him and tells him he's a good boy. 

(He wonders if she'll tell Zayn. Wonders what Zayn is waiting for, when he'll be convinced that Liam is not going to run away.)

 

Their first kiss happens nothing like Liam expected it to.

He's imagined kissing Zayn a hundred times.

At the cinema, after seeing a movie that makes Zayn laugh and steals Liam's breath because he can't stop looking at the crinkles around his eyes and the flash of teeth when he tries to muffle another bark of laughter behind his hand.

At home, after Layla's finally fallen asleep and Zayn looks tired and young in an over-sized tee and ends up cuddled against Liam on the couch, snoring softly onto his shoulder after only ten minutes. 

Liam's imagined pressing his lips to Zayn's when he wakes up, bleary-eyed and whispering _sorry_ under his breath, can picture the way he'd rub at his eyes and smile at him, all sleepy and comfortable. He's dreamed up dozens of situations where he'd end up kissing Zayn.

Instead, it's Zayn kissing him.

Not at home.

Not at the cinema. Not on a date at all, because when Zayn's not working, he wants to be at home with Layla, and their dates-that-aren't-dates have mostly consisted of watching a movie or listening to music or even doing homework together.

(Liam's told him of his freshman fantasies that involved Zayn tutoring him and how he would've awkwardly tried to flirt to get Zayn to notice his interest in him, and Zayn had laughed and pointed at a mistake that Liam had made, and his whispered _good boy_ when Liam had gotten a question right had made him shiver.)

Their first kiss happens in the library.

It's between classes and Liam's head feels fuzzy and he can't concentrate, and Zayn looks engrossed in whatever thick volume he's toted towards their table, and he's contemplating maybe a nap, or food, or playing footsie under the table.

Instead he opts for coffee, asks Zayn if he wants any and Zayn nods, rests his hand on the one Liam's placed on his shoulder. He smiles and says _thanks_ and Liam kind of stops breathing for a moment because he'll _never_ get tired of the way Zayn looks at him. 

(He wants to say _I love you_ but thinks it might be too early.)

Zayn tilts his head and smiles, looks like he's waiting for something and oh – yeah, coffee. Liam shakes his head, straightens up, wants to push his fingers through Zayn's hair but doesn't because even if it's not as immaculate as it was this morning, Zayn is still very fussy about his appearance.

“I'll be right back,” he says, and Zayn nods, replies with _“I'll be waiting.”_

It takes Liam ten minutes to get to the front of the line, ten minutes that he spends grumbling at himself for not going for the easy option of retrieving coffee from the vending machine, but he knows Zayn's got a weakness for the freshly brewed hazelnut flavored coffees they sell across the street. 

(And, he tells himself, it's kind of ridiculous to miss him when he's barely been gone.)

He comes back to find Zayn waiting-but-looking-like-he-wasn't-waiting for him, and Liam smiles again, hides the mug behind a stack of books in case the librarian is watching. Zayn takes a sip from his coffee and beams at him, gives him this fond look that's totally worth the extra time and money Liam spent on getting him his drink of choice.

“ _Thanks,”_ he says, and Liam nods, sits down next to him. “Anything for you,” he says, and it sounds stupid and cliché and Lou would tease him for being such a romantic dork if he wasn't swooning whenever Harry said something like that. 

(Niall would pretend to gag and then take notes, though he'd be better off taking notes from Harry or Zayn, because their advice has _finally_ landed him a date with the hot bartender.)

Zayn takes another sip, then presses his palm against Liam's cheek, fingers hot against his skin that's still cold from the quick trip outside. _“Liam,”_ he says, and this time Liam's heart doesn't sink, skips a beat instead at the way Zayn looks at him.

“Yeah?” He asks, and he way his voice wavers makes Zayn smile again. He leans in, searches Liam's eyes for permission, breath ghosting over his lips as he whispers the words, just before he kisses him.

“ _I'm done waiting.”_


End file.
